Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Neglected blog, reasons unknown II...

I am sorry.

It's been too long since I put anything up here. Thank you to those of you who emailed to ask if I was ok.

I said there were some issues that I needed space to sort. I feel I need to explain some of what is going on.

It may be a while till I post again as the issues have not gone away yet.

  1. Work is just all-consuming.
    My business has been to the brink of disaster and back. The need to focus has been huge and I think I have got that mainly sorted now. But it came close to bankruptcy. Not so close I'd worry about selling the Ferrari (the joys of limited liability) but I might have had to cut back on some luxuries in the future... To be honest (and this makes me sound way more altruistic than I really am), I put in the effort for the people who work for me - they have mortgages to pay, families to support. They left good jobs to work for us. They deserve me busting my balls to make sure they have security too.
  2. Sex at home is non-existant.
    Partly my fault - stress is not an aphrodisiac - but my wife has to shoulder a big chunk of the blame too. Some minor health issues have not helped. Nevertheless, it was back to the old days of big pants and turning away at my touch - times when I really needed some affection. Things have turned around a bit - two weeks in Antigua seemed to re-energise her libido...
  3. Family issues to sort out.
    Schooling for one of our children became a bit of an issue. I don't want to get too specific but we have a very bright child that was failing. We needed to do some fast and intense work with the child and the schools to resolve it. We now, we think, have the optimal solution but it was touch-and-go for a while.
  4. Legal issues to resolve.
    I have had no respite from this. My mother is trying to get me to help in a law suit in which she has staked her net worth. I think she is mad. My firm has been sued a couple of times (tough times attract vultures). I am ahead of the game but these things are a bit of a lottery. Conference calls over the weekend with lawyers are my least favorite way of spending time.

These are the reasons I gave back in February. They fully explain why I haven't posted - I am way too busy. I also have not had time to read a blog in months. I feel that I have fallen so far behind that I can never catch up with your stories.

But there is another reason.

A bigger reason.

A shameful reason.

I have fallen off the wagon.

I have been seeing escorts again.

I loathe myself for it but I am still doing it. I can give you all sorts of crap self-justification - I needed some affection, some attention, some release. But it is just because I am weak. I am selfish. I crave sex and I couldn't deny myself. I am ashamed but not enough to stop. I will try - this post is perhaps the beginning but I am not even ready to make that promise yet.

There is no defence.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not normally sympathetic to anyone who'd cheat...but in this case I do wonder what a person can do. Sex is a huge part of marriage, but your wife is not interested, at least not much. Honestly, kudos for going to a pro instead of having an affair. There is no emotional attachment, at least not much probably. It seems from what you write that you love your wife and don't want to leave her or your kids...I dunno, it's hard. I'm a woman and honestly, I think I would have a very difficult time being satisfied and faithful if my spouse were regularly disinterested. I say blog the truth just to get it out and see if you can talk your spouse into counseling. If you've gone before, go to a different counselor. Good luck!

11:57 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm with magnolia on this one. perhaps when things settle down in your business, with your child's education, with your mom, then you can work again on your sex life with your wife. but i truly think it's hard to be faithful when your needs are being ignored. and don't feel so badly that you have fallen off the wagon. hang in there.

4:10 am  
Blogger What the Chuck said...

Hi Sal,

Why not write about fucking some of those beautiful escorts, anyway?

We're a bunch of losers out here in blogland on the Internet.

Hopeless voyeurs. Aside from reading about dinosaurs with my 8 year old (fine and all-- don't get me wrong-- happy to do it!) I've got nothing planned.

Might as well read about a bloke fucking two gorgeous women.

Best,

Chuck

3:16 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like Chuck's approach.
I imagine telling you to forgive yourself and just move on to NOT doing what makes you feel lousy may not be too helpful. But hey, it's supposed to work for addicts and dieters, why not for you? Forgive yourself and move the hell on to a better you. Do it without procrastinating ('cause the diet that starts tomorrow never will start). Or acknowledge that occasional forays into paying for sex make you a happier, more stable person and do it the way you'd go to the gym: because you need to and because it does kinda feel good. Guilt never helped anyone live a happier life.
Good luck, and thanks for your occasional posts - I enjoy your wit.

9:41 pm  
Blogger An Extraordinary woman in a mediocre life said...

You've been away now such a very long time.. I hope you and yours are ok.

xxxxx

8:06 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hope you are well, Salvatore.

10:40 pm  
Blogger Bent said...

Dammit Sal, stop working and post something...where the hell are you? If I can make it back, so can you...

8:14 pm  
Blogger caroline said...

This was an amusing read and with an intelligent twist as well. What a pity it is being neglected

8:20 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't beat yourself up about it, that won't do you any good at all, while seeing escorts might do some good... for now... until you work the rest of your complicated life out!
Good Luck x

6:07 am  

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