Friday, January 04, 2008

Happy New Year...

No, I'm not dead.

Well, I continue to be "on the wagon" but it is a delicate balance.

I have been very happy at home and getting, on average, lots of lovin' at home. It is, however, either feast or famine - Olympic-standard humpage with begging for more, or the big pants and bedtime cold shoulder.

My wife reads me well - when the sexual frustration starts to get my (little) head thinking of misbehaving, she jumps me and sucks me dry. She blows me and blows my mind. We go off the deep end and into pure, unadulterated debauchery. Then, well, nothing.

Now I love my wife but I don't understand her. When we make love, she has multi-orgasmic experiences that leave her purring and the next night does not want to be touched. One night she is pleading for me to ravage her body and the next is pushing me away.

I am a man. I am pretty simple. I want it all the time. Furthermore, the more sex I have, the more I want it.

I understand the hormonal cycle and yet this switch from horniness to frigidity seems largely unconnected with the lunar calendar...

Ho hum...

Time for a joke:

Now he's no longer PM, Tony Blair has started jogging daily near his home. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what became a daily exchange. "Fifty pounds" she would cry "Five pounds!" Tony would fire back. This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!" One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss' As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then the hooker yelled, "Serves you right, see what you get for a fiver!"

Friday, August 10, 2007

New beginning?

Well, it is over a year sinceI last wrote.

I have, at least for the moment, managed to kick the escort habit - it is several months since I misbehaved.

It is a beginning - but only that. As with any addiction, it only takes a moment's weakness to fall off the wagon and, once one has broken that vow, it is all too easy to let it spiral away. Sexual addiction is difficult, perhaps more difficult than other addictions - sexual motifs surround us. Temptation is constant and one cannot abstain totally if one is in a relationship - or at least it would not be fair to one's partner to do so.

So, much as 20 years on, someone will refer to themselves as a "recovering alcholic", I am a recovering sex addict. I'll never be cured but I might just not fuck up my life.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Neglected blog, reasons unknown II...

I am sorry.

It's been too long since I put anything up here. Thank you to those of you who emailed to ask if I was ok.

I said there were some issues that I needed space to sort. I feel I need to explain some of what is going on.

It may be a while till I post again as the issues have not gone away yet.

  1. Work is just all-consuming.
    My business has been to the brink of disaster and back. The need to focus has been huge and I think I have got that mainly sorted now. But it came close to bankruptcy. Not so close I'd worry about selling the Ferrari (the joys of limited liability) but I might have had to cut back on some luxuries in the future... To be honest (and this makes me sound way more altruistic than I really am), I put in the effort for the people who work for me - they have mortgages to pay, families to support. They left good jobs to work for us. They deserve me busting my balls to make sure they have security too.
  2. Sex at home is non-existant.
    Partly my fault - stress is not an aphrodisiac - but my wife has to shoulder a big chunk of the blame too. Some minor health issues have not helped. Nevertheless, it was back to the old days of big pants and turning away at my touch - times when I really needed some affection. Things have turned around a bit - two weeks in Antigua seemed to re-energise her libido...
  3. Family issues to sort out.
    Schooling for one of our children became a bit of an issue. I don't want to get too specific but we have a very bright child that was failing. We needed to do some fast and intense work with the child and the schools to resolve it. We now, we think, have the optimal solution but it was touch-and-go for a while.
  4. Legal issues to resolve.
    I have had no respite from this. My mother is trying to get me to help in a law suit in which she has staked her net worth. I think she is mad. My firm has been sued a couple of times (tough times attract vultures). I am ahead of the game but these things are a bit of a lottery. Conference calls over the weekend with lawyers are my least favorite way of spending time.

These are the reasons I gave back in February. They fully explain why I haven't posted - I am way too busy. I also have not had time to read a blog in months. I feel that I have fallen so far behind that I can never catch up with your stories.

But there is another reason.

A bigger reason.

A shameful reason.

I have fallen off the wagon.

I have been seeing escorts again.

I loathe myself for it but I am still doing it. I can give you all sorts of crap self-justification - I needed some affection, some attention, some release. But it is just because I am weak. I am selfish. I crave sex and I couldn't deny myself. I am ashamed but not enough to stop. I will try - this post is perhaps the beginning but I am not even ready to make that promise yet.

There is no defence.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Not as exciting as it looks V...


Friday, March 03, 2006

Not as exciting as it looks IV...


Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Not as exciting as it looks III...


Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Not as exciting as it looks II...


Monday, February 27, 2006

Not as exciting as it looks...


Friday, February 24, 2006

Neglected blog, reasons unknown...

Going through a bad patch at the moment.

Work is just all-consuming.

Sex at home is non-existant.

Family issues to sort out.

Legal issues to resolve.

Need some space to sort out these issues.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Here's an escort agency for me...

I think my vow to avoid escorts is under threat!

As you know, two of my main weaknesses are sex and cars.

Now I find there is this new agency. What am I going to do?


Friday, January 20, 2006

That age old question....

Why can't women put the loo lid down? They are always on at men to put the seat down and I do (and have done for about the last ten years).

Every. Time.

But when I put it down after use, I put down the seat and the lid. That way one doesn't stare into an open bog every time one walks into the smallest room.

The inconvenience becomes equal. We both have to "lift to pee". We both have to return it to the "down" position. What is difficult about that?

Men get it in the neck for leaving the seat up but criticise a woman for the same sin and one is "stupid" or "nitpicking" or "a pedant".


Is this of earth shattering importance? Well apparently, yes, if a bloke falls foul of the rule...


Monday, January 16, 2006

Inspired neologisms...

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:
  1. Cashtration (n.):
    The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
  2. Ignoranus (n):
    A person who's both stupid and an Assh*le.
  3. Intaxication (n.):
    Euphoria at getting a taxrefund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  4. Reintarnation (n.):
    Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  5. Bozone (n.):
    The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  6. Foreploy (n.):
    Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  7. Giraffiti (n.):
    Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  8. Sarchasm (n.):
    The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
  9. Inoculatte (n.):
    To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  10. Hipatitis (n.):
    Terminal coolness.
  11. Osteopornosis (n.):
    A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  12. Karmageddon (n.):
    It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
  13. Decafalon (n.):
    The grueling event ofgetting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  14. Glibido (n.):
    All talk and no action.
  15. Dopeler effect (phr.):
    The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  16. Arachnoleptic fit, (phr.):
    The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
  17. Beelzebug, (n.):
    Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  18. Caterpallor, (n.):
    The color you turn afterfinding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


Friday, January 13, 2006

Slow on the uptake...

It's apparently International De-Lurking Week (well I think technically it's National DLW but I find national boundaries too restrictive in this era of globalisation...) and I've only just realised.

So, delurk (all three of you) and show yourselves. As an added incentive, I will donate real money to charity - £1 per visitor who shows themselves by the end of this weekend. The worthy cause is the Asian Earthquake Appeal. Hell, since it's only the three of you, I'll probably make it more.

Just let me know your name or alias and approximately where in the world you live. Why you bother frequenting this page with its introspective drivel would also intrigue me but since that might expose you to ridicule, you can leave that out.

So, do your bit for "Charideee" and de-lurk.


Thursday, January 12, 2006

Eat lead, shitbag...

This post is way off piste (though I'm not sure there is a particular piste for this blog...) but I hope you find it better than inserting hot coals up your nostrils...

Waiter Rant's recent post on pooper scooping, or rather gratuitous lack thereof, prompted me to relate a story in the comments. Buried as it is in the vast numbers of comments (it's a high traffic site), I thought I'd relate it here...

I come from a family of restauranteurs and my uncles are far from conventional. This story relates to one of them. He ran a trendy a cafe in a seaside town. Cappuccino and paninis when such things were exotic.

Anyway, one summer, every morning a stray mutt took to walking by, cocking its leg and pissing up against the door of the cafe. Every day my uncle would curse, mix up some bleach and hot water and clean it off.

He tried chasing it off but that only seemed to make the thing more determined to stake its claim on a daily basis.

Now, my uncle had an air gun. Not a poxy child’s toy but a powerful killing thing. He claimed it was to shoot the sea gulls that plagued the rooftops, though I suspect that he also wanted to go armed into the cellar - you never knew when you might find a rat (we didn’t have a rat problem but then again we had an armed pest control operative…). In quiet moments, he’d open the back door of the cafe and practice shooting targets (the chipped plates and cups that could no longer be used) from the comfort of his chair behind the bar. I think you can see where this is going…

So, the inevitable lightbulb goes on in his head. "I’ll teach that dog a lesson." Not harm it, you understand. Just give it a smack up its arse, so it’ll never forget. You wouldn't want to take a leak in a public place if you found that you couldn't sit down comfortably for a couple of days afterwards.

So he waits. Armed.

Sure enough the mongrel arrives early the next morning for its "morning constitutional" and cocks its leg.

My uncle takes aim...
Right up the chocolate starfish...
He squeezes the trigger...

But then has a change of mind. He might hit the poor thing’s balls. As a man, that is too cruel to contemplate. Or do some real damage. He moves his aim - a glancing blow to the haunch will have the desired effect - a bee sting.

He squeezes the trigger but that hesitation - and sudden compassion - was his (and the dog’s) downfall. In the same instant, the leg goes down, the head turns and SMACK.

Head shot.
Dead dog.
On the fucking steps of the cafe...


A moment of panic and my uncle is up and out of the cafe like greased lightning. A glance up and down the road confirms that it is empty. He drags the dog out into the road and arranges it quickly to look like roadkill. He rushes nervously back into the cafe for a ciggie and a cup of coffee to calm the nerves.

The first few vehicles pick their way around the corpse. Then comes the bin lorry. The dustbin men jump down to clear away the dead dog. "Here John," says the first one. "This dog has been shot!" My uncle’s heart starts to race…

"Shot? In Eastbourne? Don’t be so fucking stupid," says number two and hefts the evidence into the crusher…


Wednesday, January 11, 2006

A plea...

Could the annual herd of fat divs with two week New Year resolutions who storm into the health club please remember the following?:

  1. Bring a towel to wipe the sweat and gunk off the equipment after you use it;
  2. Do not slam the weight machine when letting the weights down, as we will need to carry on using it when you re-establish your relationship with Pizza Hut next week;
  3. Wear some pants under your shorts. The blob with a pair of ox-bull balls in full view on the leg curl machine nearly made me hurl over the treadmill in disgust;
  4. Try and refrain from making those grunting and wheezing noises until my iPod gets fixed;
  5. Understand you'll get much better weight loss result if you don't drink 2 bottles of Lucozade. Try 2 litres of water instead;
  6. Don't munch power bars either - those are not biceps they are fat rolls and you aren't going to improve matters by eating more calories. Losing weight is more about not putting as much in as it taking more out.
Apart from that you're all doing just fine and the rant is now over.

(Thanks to Assisant K for making me aware of you all...)


Monday, January 09, 2006

New Year Resolutions (redux)...

This time last year, I set out my New Year resolutions for 2005. This exposed me to potential ridicule. So, for those of you hoping to have a good laugh at my expense, how did I do?

  1. Stay faithful to my wife
    Tick. Job done. But not as easy as I'd have liked... My wife seems to be happy with a couple of shags a month. Usually mid-cycle. Fuck, that isn't enough. One a week and I am like a caged lion... But weeks without? She always has a valid reason ("too tired", "got to get up early", etc.) and I have been partly to blame (cold, back problem, travelling, etc.). But this was not the easiest thing to keep to - particularly when having dinner in Paris with one of our secretaries who was there on a city break when I was there on business. Mmm, much flirting, a bit of touching and, had it not been for a sudden moment of clarity on my part, a proposition would have followed.
  2. Avoid escorts
    I still occasionally cruise the escort agency websites but I have let my membership to Captain 69 (the escort review site) lapse. Other than chance encounters (that did not involve an exchange of bodily fluids), I have not seen an escort in 2005. Tick.
  3. Spend more time with my kids
    Well, a bit. Not in the way I'd like... Bah!
  4. Earn enough to retire
    Cross. My worst year for a while in compensation terms. Still a seven figure amount but my deals just didn't come together.
  5. Keep a clean driving licence
    Tick. Don't know how - saw 150mph on a UK motorway...
  6. Get fit again
    Yeah but no but yeah. I ended the year fitter than I started it but also heavier...
  7. Have fun
    Tick. Lots of fun things were done. :-)
  8. Blog more
    Failed. To be pedantically exact, 2.29 posts per week versus 2.39p/w in 2004. In my defense, the last few months of 2004 were momentous for my marriage. It is difficult to replicate that over a longer period.
  9. Actually do something sensible with my money
    Tick. I made a chunk of money investing in 2005. That Japan rally was soooo good...
  10. Hold the world to ransom with my giant "laser" ## mwhah, hah, hah ##
    Damn. Maybe next year... Actually my point was that the absence of free trade and the overuse of agricultural subsidies are killing the world's poor. The politicians have done nothing in this area and the empty (though very worthy) posturing of a few pop stars have not really moved the situation forward.

So what are my resolutions for this year? Well, being a fundamentally lazy bastard, I thought that I might try some stuff that I can deal with easily:

  1. Masturbate more - god, that'll be tough...
  2. Procrastinate more - why do today...
  3. Drink - excess is good...
  4. Watch more TV - I've been missing some good stuff...
  5. Gain weight - about 5kg should do it...
  6. Assume full responsibility for my actions - except the ones that are someone else's fault..
  7. I will not suffer in silence - not while I can still moan, whimper, and complain...
  8. I will gladly share my experience and advice - there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"...
  9. At the weekends, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear - I will move my computer into the bedroom...
  10. Before I criticise a man, I will walk a mile in his shoes - that way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot... (Ah, the old ones are always the best...)

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

And a Happy fucking New Year to you too...

Well, my new year got off to a bang, in a few senses of the word...

Following our busy Christmas, Mrs. S and I decided that we would see in the New Year quietly.

It was all going to be so good.

Some shooting.
Some fine wine.
Some dirty sex.

What could be better?
What could go wrong?

Bang One
I took the eldest two out to a family shoot. This was meant to work on a number of levels. Firstly, I’d have a bit of “quality time” with my son, who is never happier than when trying to shoot stuff (should I be worried?). Secondly, I’d prise my teenage daughter out of the house into *horror* the fresh air. Thirdly, by getting them to tramp around the countryside, they’d hopefully be tired enough to go to bed early (I think you know where this is heading…). Finally, I’d get to have some fun blasting lead in the vague direction of some pheasant and partridge.
It inevitably didn’t turn out the way it should. The daughter got pissed off at one of our dogs pulling at the lead and let him go, ruining a key drive. Everyone pissed off at us and daughter goes to sulk in the Range Rover. Son points his gun at someone in jest (a massive deal breaker of an error) and is banished to said car, where he and daughter proceed to fight. The only danger I pose to the local wildlife is that they die laughing at my ineptitude with a gun.

Bang Two
We had politely declined each of the New Year’s Eve party invitations. This was going to be about the family. A sumptuous feast with great wine. And a little quality time for Mr and Mrs...
The 1976 vintage Bollinger was chilling nicely in the fridge. The caviar was being spread onto blinis. I reach into the fridge for some smoked salmon and accidentally pull the bottle out. Hands full, I merely succeed in slowing its progress to the stone flags, where it explodes in a shower of glass, bubbles, and expensive wine.

Bang Three
Ahh… The kids had been put to bed (kicking and screaming in the case of the eldest) well before midnight. Good food resting comfortably in our bellies, the wine we’d drunk was loosening things up nicely (non-vintage champagne does the trick almost as well...). The bedroom was warm and candle lit (yes, I am an old smoothie). Ravel’s Bolero is queued up on the CD player (corny, I know, but sometimes it pays to stick with the classics...). My wife was wearing a rather attractive piece of lingerie that I’d bought her for Christmas.
At last…
We kiss and cuddle, we stroke and suck, we bump and grind.
Fuck, this is good. At last something is going right. Until…

Bang Four
On the stroke of bloody midnight, the fireworks go off. There I am, sliding balls-deep into my wife from behind, having the time of my life and some fucker is trying to put me off. “Whoosh… BANG,” they go. Our country house is away from the centre of the village but my neighbour has set up a display a couple of fields away, seemingly aimed at my house. “Happy New Year, Honey.” I say, trying to keep my concentration. “Mmm, mmm, mmm!” my wife answers. Then the dogs start barking. The little one hates fireworks and the big one will bark if the little one sets him off. “Bang, BANG.” “Woof, WOOF.” Pump, pump. “Bang, BANG.” “Woof, WOOF.” Pump, pump.
Now I’m worried that the children come down and find me humping away with mummy like a pair of demented baboons and be scarred for life.
“Shall I go and calm the dogs?” I ask.
“Noooo! Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh” is the answer.
“What about the kids?” I fret.
“D-d-don't s-s-stop! Oh, oh, oh. J-j-just h-h-hurry up-p-p. Ngggh.” was the reply.
Right, so I have:
  • a wife who wants to be pounded to orgasm;
  • the artillery to the left of me;
  • wild animals to the right; and
  • the psychological welfare of my children depending on me coming in the next 30 seconds.
Given my problems, this is not a good combination…
Fuck, fuck, fuckity FUCK.

My uncle once said that there is nothing so over-rated as a bad fuck (and nothing so under-rated as a good shit). He would have laughed long and hard at the events of that night.

So my New Year was a disaster. Hope yours was better.

Mine improved beyond all measure the next night, when the dirty sex was rather more successful. Mmmm.


Saturday, December 31, 2005

And a Merry fucking Christmas to you too...

I hope that you, dear reader, had a great Christmas and a fabulous New Year.

I had a perfectly hideous Christmas.

Don’t get me wrong, I am no Scrooge – all “Bah, humbug” about the season of goodwill. I love spending time with my children, seeing their eyes light up as they open each present. I love the good food, the excellent wine. I love the smell of candles and incense that fills the house. I love the rooms covered in holly and fir, decorations glistening. I love the cold, walking the dogs and coming back to a log fire. I don’t even mind the long nights, as the warm glow of the lights in the house is so welcoming.

So what was the problem? In a word - relatives.

Salvatori Towers seemed to be functioning as a five star hotel for my in-laws. Now, they are nice enough people: you won’t find me cracking mother-in-law jokes*. My father-in-law in particular is a jovial old soul with a lovely dry wit. My sister-in-law is harder work, as are her four children and husband. And my mother. Well, she’s the worst of the lot.

So that’s 14 people.

For a week.

A. Whole. Fucking. Week.

Three meals a day. Dishwasher going 6 or 7 times a day. Drinking their way through my cellar (“Mmmm. The Pichon Longueville was delicious but I noticed some Sauternes in your chiller, shall I open that for pudding?”). Go ahead... I drank my way though the experience.

There is a Danish saying that “Fresh fish and houseguests should be thrown out after three days.” Very, very true…

And I got off lightly. Last year they stayed for two weeks.

I’ve told them that they’ll have to amuse themselves next year as we’re going to Barbados. Even though we’re not…


* This is a lie.
Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My mother-in-law is an angel."
His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

What do you do if you miss your mother-in-law?
Reload and try again

A guy brings his dog into the vet's surgery and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?"
The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong with it! Why would you want this done?"
The man replies, "My mother-in-law is coming to visit and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"

(c) Bob Monkhouse c.1751 (mayherestinpeace)

Friday, December 30, 2005

Kerry Packer RIP...

Australia's richest man, Kerry Packer has died aged 68. I met him a couple of times - I did a fair amount of business in Australia with him and the other "robber barons" of the Outback, Robert Holmes à Court and Alan Bond. They were colourful characters, to say the least. Robert was by far the "nicest" (though it is a relative term), though I was to have an unwitting part in his downfall during the 87 crash when his over-leveraged business failed. He never recovered and died suddenly just three years later, aged 53. Alan then contributed to some major changes in my life by going spectacularly bust at the expense of many of my (then) clients. Kerry was the most stable financially, despite his gambling addiction.

He was a "high roller" of the first order. His gambling was legendary and he was known to lose huge sums in a night at the tables (and to win big too). He was volatile and overturned blackjack tables were not uncommon. However, my favorite story was of him gambling alone at a high-stakes table in a casino. In walked a Texan, resplendent in ten gallon hat and boot-lace tie, a blond on each arm. Seeing another high-roller playing, he demanded that he be allowed to join. The croupier apologised profusely but said Mr Packer usually played alone. However, he asked Kerry if he'd mind if the Texan joined him. Kerry looked the Texan up and down and said "Nah, I'm playing alone."

The Texan, slighted in front of his lady friends, drew himself up to his full height and said, "Do you know who I am?! I am worth $100million and I demand to play on this table."

Kerry eyed him cooly and said "$100million? I'll toss you for it."


Friday, December 23, 2005

Yule blog...

Merry Christmas to one and all (who want it*). I probably won't have time to post between now and the New Year, as I will be busy.

I personally will be spending much of my Christmas burning all those fricking "round robin" letters that people put into the Christmas cards they send. They go on and on (and on and on) about how perfect and talented their own kids are and how perfect and complete their lives are.


The little time I have left over - there are thousands of them - I will be spending either playing with my kids, fucking my wife, or sinking slowly into an alcoholic haze... Perfect.


*Please accept with no obligation, either implied, or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday (summer solstice in the Southern Hemisphere), practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion, or the secular practices, of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of of others, or their choice not to practice religious, or secular, traditions at all.

I also wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures, whose contributions to society have made the United Kingdom great (not to imply that the United Kingdom is necessarily greater than another country), and without regard to race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preferences of the wishees, and those of whom this salutation is addressed.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
  • This greeting is subject to clarification, or withdrawal.
  • It is freely transferable to a third party, but without any alteration to the original greeting.
  • It implies no promise by the wishers to actually implement any of these wishes for her/himself, or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishers.
  • This wish is warranted as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one calendar year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday period greeting, whichever shall occur first, and warranty, either implicit or implied, is limited to replacement of this wish, or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishers.