Surviving a sexless marriage...
I married my wife for two reasons - and I think they are the only reasons to link your life permanently to someone else.
Firstly, I love her at a deep emotional level and secondly, because there was powerful physical attraction. Neither was dimmed by the years on my side (I am lucky - not all men feel the same way). Yes, my wife has aged. Yes, her body has softened over the years - three children will take their toll. Yes, some of the passion abates but the depth of companionship and friendship replaces it.
This was the point that I had reached when I was faced with a choice. What was almost unbearable about my marriage - what pained me most - was sleeping beside someone whom I desired emotionally and sexually but didn't appear to want me.
Firstly, I love her at a deep emotional level and secondly, because there was powerful physical attraction. Neither was dimmed by the years on my side (I am lucky - not all men feel the same way). Yes, my wife has aged. Yes, her body has softened over the years - three children will take their toll. Yes, some of the passion abates but the depth of companionship and friendship replaces it.
This was the point that I had reached when I was faced with a choice. What was almost unbearable about my marriage - what pained me most - was sleeping beside someone whom I desired emotionally and sexually but didn't appear to want me.
posted by Salvatori at 10:15 am
14 Comments:
I am sure that many are in the same situation but how do you handle it? My husband has no iterest in sex. He has had some health problems and I can understand some of his meds make him this way but, I don't understand why we can't hug, snuggle, and caress. I feel starved for the want of a mans touch. I have talked to him and even suggested more cuddling,kissing etc. He is just not interested. The Dr's have given med ie. viagra and Cialis but he doesn't use them.
Any suggestions? He won't go talk to a counselor.
Needing to be touched.
I am in the same situation. I thought that perhaps my husband would touch etc. just to please me but.... nothing. I remember in my younger years with my ex, going through the motions to satisify him but never thought that I would be sexless at my age now. I wish I knew what to do.
I also am open for suggestions. Cheating isn't in the cards for me as I feel it wouldn't be right.
I feel sorry for you! I wish that I had an answer. Do you think there is a chance he's being satisified elsewhere? He had better come around for you before you go around for the comfort of someone else.
As I have always had a powerful attraction to my wife and a high sex drive, I am probably not the right person to ask. However, it would be curlish not to respond.
I think Chris's question is a reasonable one. most men have powerful libidos and do not often turn down the opportunity for sex. If he is uninterested in you, it may be because he is getting his satisfaction elsewhere. That may not necessarily be another woman - masturbation is the most common form of release for male sexual tension. Masturbation then also reduces your ability to perform more conventional sex.
I think then you have to ask yourself if there is something that you are not providing - most men have sexual fantasies (again masturbation) and your husband's now don't involve you. Why? Because you have become a mother figure not a lover; a housewife figure not a sensual girlfriend. You need to move your role back to the bedroom. The old adage of "duchess in the drawing room, slave in the kitchen and whore in the bedroom" still works I'm afraid). It could be that he "needs" more kink - he wants you to be "slutty" or be tied up. Only he knows and the only way to find out is to discuss it. Not easy I know... You also may not like the answer (he is only interested if you look like a Victoria's Secret model or wants to explore watersports) but at least you'll understand whether there is a sexual future to your relationship on terms that you can accept or deliver.
He may be having sexual performance issues - what ever you do, don't get focused on that. Whatever it is, say it turns you on. Say "I love feeling your cock in my mouth" even if it's soft - and don't tell him it's soft. Act like everthing he does brings you close to orgasm.
Thanks guys, but no, he isn't going outside the house to be satisified but I have tried all things that you suggested. I bought him the men's magazines, porn movies ( even agreed to watch with him) but he's never watched them. I think maybe you hit it when you said porn ( on the net) and masturbation I am thinking he prefers this over me. I have always been told that I am very attractive, I keep busy and excercise. I wear makeup, get my nails done weekly and still work outside of the house. This sexless situation is not what anyone would expect. If you have any other suggestions, I am open.
Thanks so much.
What does he say the problem is (and are you anonymous 1 or 2?)?
I am number one. He won't say other than he has no interest. Help!!
# 1 again, he says he is impotent. Dr. can't say that. What could it be? Has no interest in sex. I am open for suggestions. It is a very touchy subject with him.
# 1 again, he says he is impotent. Dr. can't say that. What could it be? Has no interest in sex. I am open for suggestions. It is a very touchy subject with him.
# 1 again, he says he is impotent. Dr. can't say that. What could it be? Has no interest in sex. I am open for suggestions. It is a very touchy subject with him.
Sorry but this is beyond me.
It sounds to me as if he is struggling with some other issues.
You mentioned that he has some medical problems - I'd talk to his doctors.
If the medication is genuinely surpressing his libido, he may be having strong personal image problems that require counselling.
However, since you said he doesn't want to go that route, I can see no real options for you. Sorry.
I think your first step should be to go to a counsellor alone. Perhaps he/she can give you the guidance you need.
I personally think it may take some shock (you threatening to leave? get caught using a vibrator?) to force the conversation to a head. However, under no circumstances would I advise that as you don't know which way it'd go or the effects it'd have.
Time to call in the professionals rather than an intinerant sex-blogger...
anonymous #1 this is anonymous #2,
I think we might be married to the same man!! My story is almost the same as yours. I have tried everything except hiring someone to see if he would be attracted to her. My husband doesn't even look at me anymore and when I say something he will say something like: you look beautiful everyday!!
I know he has no attractions to men.
Lets keep praying and maybe the men will come around before we need to seek outside attention!!
I understand your frustration, and hope that you can work this out. I too have a situation that has caused a dilemma in the bedroom and as to the original post, I married my wife because I deeply love her and have a strong attraction to her. Unfortunately, my wife suffers from damage to the Pudendal Nerve, which is the nerve that brings all sensations from the genitals, and pelvic region. She has tried all possible treatments including a nerve decompression surgery, but she finds herself in an almost constant state of pain and terrifying and debilitating nerve shocks. These shocks are powerful enough to bring her to the ground and as she describes them, they are about ten times worse than putting your finger in a light socket.
Before this neuropathy afflicted her, my wife and I had a fantastic sex life. Now, although she is very giving in the fact that she will help me relieve my sexual tension, we have not had penetrative sex for over a year, and even as I could have lost a couple of fingers in a woodshop accident in my youth, I would still be able to count the number of times that we have had any penetrative sex for the past two years on one hand.
I have not and hope not to ever go outside of our marriage to fulfill my primal needs, although I will satisfy them myself as needed, but I try every day to remember that I am a conscious thinking human man able to overcome the need to rutt.
I know that this may not be the type of advise or support that you were looking for, but I just want to say that there are many reasons both physical and emotional that can lead couples to a more sexless marriage than they may want, but with that said, you need to take stock of yourself as a person, who is the sum product of your own actions, inactions and decisions and come to a reconciling of what you need to do. For me, today I will try to cherish what I have had, deal with my struggles as best I can, and try to take the high road.
Your situation is different, and so may be your decision.
Some men believe they should always be interested in sex and ready for it. But the human body doesn't always work that way. A man who has temporarily lost interest in sex - because of personal stress, depression, a relationship issue, or another reason - may not be able to get an erection because he is not aroused enough for it to happen. He also may get an erection but lose it before ejaculation, because he is too preoccupied with other issues. http://www.buy-viagra-with-us.com/
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