Ladder Theory...

Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?
Harry: Great, friends. It's the best thing... You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form - is that men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story.

"When Harry Met Sally", Nora Ephron

Whilst I really don't want to put any traffic his way and perpetuate some of the misogynistic crap he spouts, I had a look at this site: Intellectual Whores. However disgusting some of the author's (Dallas Lynn) message is, as with any poisonous propaganda (and this guy has probably studied Goebbels, IMHO), there is a strong underlying thread of truth, and I'd like to examine that as a theory.

His basic premise, from which he backs out all sorts of hateful shit (this guy has some issues), is that men and women are fundamentally different in the way that they approach relationships (well nothing insightful there, you might rightly say). However, I do like his basic theory:

• All men and women rank their acquaintances on a ladder of attraction;
• Men rank them on a single ladder;
• Women have two ladders - one for men that they want to have sex with and one that they don't ever want to have sex with.

Now that obviously means that men always want to have sex with all their female acquaintances. That may seem pretty extreme for most women to grasp (and a few men for that matter) but in my experience, it's pretty true. There are some exceptions to a man wanting to shag everything in a skirt but they are somewhat proscribed. The reasons Dallas gives why a man would not try and put his hand up her skirt are if the man:

1. Is gay;
2. Is already seeing someone far more attractive than the woman; or
3. Finds the woman so unattractive that he would only sleep with her, were he drunk (which, if you think about it isn't really an exception at all).

To that I'd add, if the lady is such a mentalist that doing so would end up having you pursued by a bunny-boiling haridan till the end of your days (Dallas isn't the only one with "issues"...).

Women are clearly different. Yes, she won't find you attractive if she's a lesbian. Yes, she won't sleep with you if you're way less attractive than her current beau. But - and this is crucial to his argument (and I agree) - she has a group of male friends that she does not think of in sexual terms - what the proponent of this theory calls "intellectual whores" or "cuddle bitches" (both hateful terms that show the type of problem he has). These are men who she likes and is quite happy to spend time with but never wants to sleep with.

I have been in this situation - had female friends whom I was desparate to fuck but who would only let me take them out and entertain them before they went home and rang an abusive, illiterate boyfriend to come round and screw them (in both senses of the word).

How many times have I heard the following:

• "You're like a brother to me"
• "I feel like I can talk to you about anything"
• "You're so nice"

All of those are the kiss of death. What I know now, is that, if I ever heard those words, I'd never get to "make the beast with two backs" with the lady in question. It was the story of my school days - as soon as I tried to take it further with girls with whom I'd been spending time, I'd be cut dead. This, unsurprisingly, confused and frustrated me (now we see whence my issues come...). It also might explain why men are so poor at reading women's signals - the "I just want to be friends" one doesn't exist in our lexicon.

However, once I was on the Varsity team and "mad, bad and dangerous to know", I had to beat off the ladies with a shitty stick (# pauses to muse on what sort of wierdos will now find this site after that last phrase #).

Thus my experience fits almost perfectly with the Ladder Theory. But it doesn't make it right to say things like: "Women seem to especially like it if you are more devoted to your bad music, biker gang, forearm tattoo or marijuana. " That's just wrong (coming from a man that used to enjoy sticking his willy up an escort's bottom)...

Enjoy...