Making money...
...has interfered with my blogging. Sorry for my absence (hope it's made the heart grow fonder).
Just to keep you going:
New business rules that come into effect immediately...............
SICKNOTES
We will no longer accept a doctors sicknote as proof of illness. If you are able to get to the doctors, you are able to come into work.
SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here you need all your organs.You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact, to have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. These will be called Saturday and Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is not an excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to attend the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your days tasks are completed.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as a reasonable excuse for absence. However we will require at least two weeks notice as you are required to train your replacement.
TOILET USE
Too much core working time is being spent in the toilets. In the future we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 9.00-9.20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 9.20-9.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes round again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers supervisors must approve this in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract and the door will open.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed accordng to your salary. If we see you wearing fancy trainers or designer clothing we will obviously assume that you do not need a pay rise.
Thank you for your loyalty to the organisation. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a productive day
The Management
Enjoy...
Just to keep you going:
New business rules that come into effect immediately...............
SICKNOTES
We will no longer accept a doctors sicknote as proof of illness. If you are able to get to the doctors, you are able to come into work.
SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here you need all your organs.You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact, to have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. These will be called Saturday and Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is not an excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to attend the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your days tasks are completed.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as a reasonable excuse for absence. However we will require at least two weeks notice as you are required to train your replacement.
TOILET USE
Too much core working time is being spent in the toilets. In the future we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 9.00-9.20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 9.20-9.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes round again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers supervisors must approve this in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract and the door will open.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed accordng to your salary. If we see you wearing fancy trainers or designer clothing we will obviously assume that you do not need a pay rise.
Thank you for your loyalty to the organisation. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a productive day
The Management
Enjoy...
posted by Salvatori at 6:11 pm
1 Comments:
LMAO! And the term "year end bonuses" can be intepreted to mean, "You get to come back to work on Monday and have an extra restroom break."
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