Embarrass me do II

Smeg-ma n.
Foreskin feta found underneath Kojak's roll-neck and around the banjo (qv) or cheese ridge. Also knob cheese, knob Stilton, knob yoghurt, Helmetdale (qv).


I remember many years ago being at a drunken dinner party. It was friends and their fiancees (or girlfriends but mainly fiancees - it was that time of life when every one was about to get married). I rose to pour some more claret into the glasses around the table. I topped up each glass but stopped before one girl's glass as I was getting to the dregs of the bottle.

"I'll open another bottle..." I began.

"Oh yes!" she interrupted, "I wouldn't want any smegma in my glass"

Unfortunately for her, this comment caught a brief lull in the raucous conversation.

"What did you say?" her incredulous boyfriend asked (indeed, none of us could quite believe it)

"Er, I wouldn't want any smegma in my glass" she said uncertainly.

The sound of wine shooting out of one unprepared chap's nose broke the silence.

"Do you know what smegma is?" her boyfriend gently asked.

"Well yes, of course, it's the sediment at the bottom of a bottle of wine... Isn't it?"

"And where did you learn that?"

"Oh, my last boyfriend told me..."

Well that is just inspired. Think about it. It is a verbal time-bomb - specifically targetted to go off at the most embarassing moment. You will only use the word in a desperately inappropriate circumstance. Yes, it's a shitty thing to do to someone, but it has its own brilliance.

She almost died of shame when we told her what it meant (but only after we had milked it for all it was worth).

And anyway, everyone knows that the real word for the sediment in red wine is jism...

Enjoy...

Embarrass me do...

A couple of posts (one on GWAOTM and one on Erosblog) reminded me of two embarrassing episodes in my life.

The first incident involved my precocious reading skills and my unbelieveably liberal upbringing. I read "Inside Linda Lovelace, (the "autobiography" of the star of porn classic "Deep Throat") aged about 12. I picked the book up in our house (I think my father and mother had both already read it). I wasn't too worried about my parents knowing about me reading it, either. So far so good.

However, my infamous uncle came round and discovered that I was reading it - my mother ratted me out. He saw the opportunity... He made sure I was quizzed on it by his then girlfriend (it may have been that my uncle had lent it to my parents in the first place).

Made me blush something rotten having to explain the plot of "Deep Throat" to an attractive 22yo woman.

Scarred for life.

Second episode to come...

Enjoy...

Happy Birthday to me...

Well, this blog has made it to one year old...

To misquote Shakespeare's Marc Antony, "I come not to bury this blog but to praise it". It has been very good for me to vent my guilt and insecurities. Whilst catharthis is perhaps an overused word when bloggers justify their reasons for pumping their thoughts into cyberspace, I guess it is accurate...

So I plan to continue. There are some things I'd like to change - perhaps a little less writing about sex with my wife (sometimes even I find it too personal) and a little more about my earlier escapades (don't worry there are lots of stories). The title bothers me - the nymphomania bit. It is a pejorative word and I don't like that - so any synonyms (that are not horrendously politically correct) would be appreciated...

Enjoy...

Cathy redux...

Well, she cancelled, so my willpower was not tested.

Thanks for your expressions of concern - I was not about to throw everything away, as I don't think sex was on her mind. I can display high levels of self-control.

I guess that she didn't want to revisit her old life in the same way I didn't - even if we have some bonds of friendship.

However, it could be that she is just mad as a box of frogs (which was one of her endearing qualities) and can never get her life together to be in the right place at the right time (read Mistress Matisse passim for the examples of many other sex workers being disorganised). Perhaps this contact with my past will come back to the surface at another time - but not today.

In the meantime (and I think this will be more for my male readership - though bi-curious ladies feel free), why not while away the weekend with Daisy Duke shaking her booty for you. Yes, you can make Jessica Simpson dance in a skimpy bikini at your command and satisfy that inner Dom.

For those older readers who want to relive the original (and glorious) Daisy Duke as played by Catherine Bach - you may just prefer to go here for an extensive gallery of shots of hotpants.

Enjoy...

Old flame...

Help...

Cathy, my favorite (and retired) escort, has called me out of the blue and wants to meet tomorrow. For lunch. Platonic. She wants help - I was a good friend. I am far too nice and trusting to turn her down.

It's not that she'll ask me for money that worries me - I can afford it and I only made the money by understandng its value.

No. It's that I know that I'll start to feel those old feelings when I see her - and I think she knows it too.

I am not the type to be forward, so I know won't suggest anything. But if she says, "How about we go to a hotel and I fuck your brains out," I think I'm lost...

Holiday Romance....

I stroke her silken hair.

I kiss her naked body.

I caress her glorious curves.

She shyly lets me part her legs and seek out her most intimate folds. She's wet - I dip a finger inside: the sensation making me diamond hard. I circle her clitoris with my finger whilst my tongue plays with hers. My digit is my pen, writing her a love letter on the lips of her pussy - dipping into the inkwell of her desire to replenish its inspiration. Her neck is soft as I nuzzle into it. Her body trembles, as the waves of pleasure roll over her.

"Taste your love," I whisper, as my fingers find her mouth - and she suckles happily.

My libido can resist no more and I slip between her legs. Looking into her eyes, I let the head of my cock rest against her moist labia before sliding gently deep inside. The heat is almost too much to bear. I am still. Savouring the moment. Before begining to move; slowly at first. We rock together, kissing and caressing, the pace accellerating.

I turn onto my back and ask her to suck me. She willingly obeys, licking and sucking with her mouth, pumping and rolling with her hands.

She straddles me - riding my hardness. Her hands seek out her own breasts and as my hands join hers, they move to her clitoris. I tease her nipples, circling them with my fingers, occassionaly tweaking them softly. Her head is thrown back - her white neck pulses. Her stomach clenches as the next orgasm overtakes her. She turns away from me and rocks on my manhood. My hands seek out her perienum and anus. My lubed thumb presses the taut ring of muscle and I feel it relax and soften. She pushes back against the pressure and my thumb impales her - she moans with pleasure. I can feel the ridges of my cock sliding in and out of her pussy.

I turn her over onto her knees and hold her wrists - partly to restrain her, partly to allow me to push harder into her pussy. I withdraw. She knows what will happen next - and pushes her hips back. My cock slides into her velvety anus. I pause, letting her get used to the new sensations. Her hands work her clitoris as my speed increases...

"What do you want me to do with my hands?" she begs, imploring my guidance.

"Put your fingers inside your pussy," I decide.

The tightness and my wife's moans of pleasure drive me over the edge. We come together - hard - and collapse into a long embrace.


Not romantic for some (ewww - bottom sex... TMI) but I enjoyed it - I hope you did too....

So much shit to do...

I'm back, with some sexy stories to tell. But no time to tell them at the moment...

I got a week of my two-week break but now I'm back in the firing line at work.

Amuse yourselves with "Exciting links for a dull day".

God! How crap is that? I can't even be bothered to select one of the links for you. Fuck, I'm a lazy sod.

Enjoy...

Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck....

Back in the office, jammed by work, pissed off to be at my desk, fixing another major crisis that is largely created by others and dumped on me to sort out.

Wife and children in deepest Chianti-shire soaking up the Tuscan sun and culture. Fuck!

Enjoy...