Masturbation - the new fidelity...

My last post dealt with the definition of infidelity. Just to be clear, I was joking when I wrote the final "Is it cheating if your partner doesn't find out?"...

So, what is a man to do??? Men are driven by lust. Illicit shagging has cost an awful lot of high powered careers over years. 2004 was yet another annus sexualis - with David Blunkett and Boris Johnson caught tasting forbidden fruit (to name but two). My own infidelity could have cost me the most valuable assets I have - my house in Hampshire and the automobile collection... (Joke!) No, I really do mean my wife and family ;-).

How should we avoid such personal catastrophes? Given that I now accept that escorts are not the solution, I will adopt a more, shall we say, introspective approach to assuaging any unresolved sexual demons when my wife can't or won't indulge me. You understand where I'm coming from. And, indeed, what I'm coming into. A sock, for example.

The problem with wanking is that it is seen as the last refuge of the terminally sad. It is practised by the socially inept, the extravagently ugly or the charisma deficient. In short, wankers...

So what onanism needs in these status-conscious times is a bit of re-branding. So here are my top reasons for rubbing one out if the sexual frustration gets too much for you:

• Safety
  Well there aren't any dangers, are there. You are breaking no laws (unless you are in the queue at Tescos, obviously). You will not encounter an enraged boyfriend with a blunt instrument and a homicidal temper. So, unless you indulge in sexual asphixia à la Michael Hutchence ("choking the chicken" is a euphemism - it's not meant to be taken too literally, IMHO), you will live to fuck again.
  
• Hygene
  It is very clean (unless you are in the queue at Tescos, obviously). You won't catch a social disease. If you do, you are either doing something very wrong or only have yourself to blame...
  
• Availability
  It is available on demand (unless you are in the queue at Tescos, obviously). You need not invite yourself out for an expensive meal at Nobu or spend hours persuading yourself that your feelings for yourself are genuine.
  
• Potential
  As we all possess a fully working cerebral cortex (well, most of us) there are infinite possibilities. Gisele Bundchen and Adriana Lima inviting you back to their room for a little “two-on-one” after a Victoria's Secret photo shoot? Fine. Teri Hatcher wanting to be tied up because she is a “naughty slut”? Done. That little poppet ahead of you in the queue at Tescos? Don't go there...
  
• Convenience
  You don't need to get a taxi home. Or sleep surrounded by teddy bears and cats. You can roll over and switch on Match of the Day. Your hand won't need a cuddle. No-one will upbraid you for being an insensitive louse.
  
• Variety
  You can experiment with time and place. It does not have to be done after dark, under the covers, into a sock. Although, admittedly, that was exactly how I spent my early adolescence. By the time I was 15, my sock drawer was as crunchy as a sack of Hula Hoops. But try not to do it in the check out queue...
  
• Prevention
  Clearly, if you are constantly “bashing the bishop” you will have less energy to chase after little minxes in tight jeans. But there's more - recent research has suggested that the more prolific one is at masturbating, the more likely one is to experience detumescence or impotence with a second party (something I can attest to). Don't let this put you off. Embrace it. It means that, if you stray, you won't be able to complete. Sorted.

So there it is. Wanking is the new black. Everyone is doing it. As Woody Allen said,

"Masturbation? Don't knock it. It is, after all, sex with someone you love."

Enjoy...