Sanding the pool cue...

My last post got me thinking... How does one tell one's long term partner that his/her sexual technique leaves something to be desired?

My wife, when I met her had a technique on blow-jobs and hand-jobs that, shall we say, left a little to be desired (but, trust me, she made up for it in many, many other ways). What I did not realise, despite having experienced a pretty wide ranging sample of female approaches (and no male ones, to be clear...) was how poor that was compared to a professional... And don't worry, I'm sure that, were Mrs S to hire Monmouth for a few evenings of slap and tickle, she would be saying the same thing about me. I am also not without my problems too (more of which in a later post, methinks).

Now here's the thing. I am an expert in giving a hand-job. Er, perhaps, I ought to rephrase that... I am an expert in giving myself a hand-job - I know how I like it (though a couple of working girls used different and successful approaches). I have therefore managed to coach her in giving me a good wank. She quite likes getting my cock well-lubed and feeling it thicken and twitch in her hand. I like it that she gets off on that. The sensation of someone else doing it to you is outstanding.

But chaps, let's be honest here. A woman giving you a wank is a waste of a perfectly good orgasm. If you wanted a liaison with "Mrs Hand and her five lovely daughters", you'd fire up the porn and get busy "bashing the bishop" yourself. Much more efficient and, in some ways therefore, more pleasureable.

What we all want is a blow-job: her head bobbing up and down on one's cock, saliva running over your balls, eye contact filled with pure lust. (Ladies, one tip from me is always look into a man's eyes when blowing your man - that look of shameless desire will have him coming quicker than any tongue flicking technique).

Now this is my problem, I've never given anyone a blow-job (nor do I want to start, before you volunteer). So I can't really give advice. I don't really know what she is doing wrong. No, really!

• Her teeth are grazing my cock but, whilst I'd like to believe that I am King Dong, sadly I know that I was not too big for my other partners. She can't get her mouth wider.
• There is not enough saliva lubricating the process but she says that is the maximum spit she produces.
• The head bobbing doesn't feel vigorous enough but looks great.
• There is not enough added hand action.
• The suction is not enough.

I think...

You see, this is the strange thing. When a woman is doing it well - and I have had some mind-blowing head from escorts - I am am little too distracted to notice exactly what she is doing. When the next girl is not doing it right (and in this case my wife), I don't know what worked last time.

Is she not using enough head movement but too much suction?

Fucked if I know - but it's not working.

Don't get me wrong - she gets me (very) hard; she gets me (very) close; but she doesn't get me off.

Since I can't really bring in a professional to train her (well, it's worth a thought...) and I can't say, "Well, a hooker I slept with did that...", what I really need are some good analogies that worked for the ladies ("Imagine you are trying to suck cement through a straw", or "Think of it as trying to bang nails in with your forehead"). I noticed that the apparently now (sadly) defunct Kinky Bitch has a link to a website but that is way too graphic for my wife - I want to progress this in small increments before presenting her a treatise on how to suck my dick... She is already improving - as I tell her, "practice makes perfect..."

So, suggestions please.

Thought for today:

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?!

Enjoy...

*BTW - click on the picture to be taken to the "Internet's largest collection of girls eating bananas". The site is 4 Padded Walls (subtitled "sanity is overated"). Weird! You've got to love the madness that is the World Wide Web...

Post Script:
Subsequent to this post GwaotM posted a fabulous entry on how to give a stunning hand job (read it here)

I can no longer consider myself as an expert at giving myself a hand-job - her's sounds way better. I retract my comment. I'm not worthy... I'm not worthy...

She also made this post incorrect in other ways:
1. I said I'd trained my wife to give good hand-jobs but DAMN, I want one of those... I'll have to find a way to get my wife to read that post...
2. I said I thought a wank from a girl is a waste of an orgasm but that sounds like an experience and a half...