Infidelity - where's the line?

I was intrigued by JaG's post that kissing a boy (or, in this case, a girl) would make her guilty of being unfaithful to her partner.

It got me musing. What constitutes cheating? Now, as a man that once judged that screwing an escort up the chuff was not an act of total infidelity, I suspect that I am not the best judge of this sort of thing. However, a drunken snog clearly doesn't count in my book.

Therefore, for the women readers, I thought that I'd give you a (tongue firmly in cheek) male view of what might be thought of as infidelity.

• Thinking
  No, your man having wild fantasies about Sienna Miller is not an offence. Nor is thinking about Julie from Accounts. Or your sister. Even if he is making love to you at the time. Men are pigs, so get used to it. He won't mind if you think about Jude Law as he gurns away on top of you (except to wonder why you fancy someone less good looking than him- men are self-deluding fools, so get used to it). What is not allowed is to accidentally call out the wrong name at the inappropriate moment. Not because that's cheating but because it is bad form. And will result in all sorts of trouble.
  
  
• Looking
  Ogling another woman is allowed (though one obviously shouldn't be caught looking at another woman). This rule is not affected by the state of undress of the other party. So eyeing up that young filly in a short skirt (and thinking impure thoughts) is no different to going to a strip club (and thinking impure thoughts). However, there is a rider: if the lady is naked, the man must have arrived at that situation in a group of people he knows well. Thus, it is OK to be at a titty bar with a bunch of mates - no impropriety there (just a bit of laddish fun). However, it is well out of order to have gone alone. That is just plain wrong.
  
  
• Touching
  Now, this is where it gets tougher. There is an escalating scale. Essentially, the more erogenous the zone, the greater the threat. Double it, if the zone is bare... Add 50% for stroking. Double again for sucking. Triple if you are doing the stoking with an erogenous zone of your own. Thus, a stoke of the clothed bum is fine. A cup of the naked breast - you can get away with. However, a word of warning to all women - the grey zone extends pretty far in most men's books. In a lap dancing club (yes, I arrived in a group), I have sucked a nipple, stroked a bare bum, had a bare thigh rubbed on my (clothed) erection (NB this rubbing doesn't count as it was her rubbing on me - passive is allowed) but I would not consider it infidelity. That's quite some threshold...
  
  
• Kissing
  Now this is one area that gives many people problems. Clearly, exaggerated air kisses are fine. Kisses to areas other than lips are covered under touching (note that lips are an erogenous zone and so you need to be very careful). Thus, lip-to-lip contact is fine. So what about a full-on snog - real tonsil hockey? Well, it clearly isn't infidelity in itself. But it is the intent that is the problem. A bloke doesn't stick his tongue down your throat unless he wants to shag you. No, it's worse than that - a bloke doesn't stick his tongue down your throat unless he is desparately trying to shag you (hopefully in the next five minutes). So why did I say earlier a frenchie didn't count? We have forgotten one key factor - alcohol. If he has had a few beers, malicious intent is removed... And that is why a snog is fine if you've had more than a couple of snifters. Unless, of course, it moves on to...
  
  
• Penetration
  This is where it becomes crystal clear, I'm afraid. Any act of penetration with any appendage (finger, tongue, elbow, cock, amputee stump) is out. Kissing being the exception that proves the rule. So sorry, Bill but oral does count. Both ways. Slipping it in but not coming is not fine (again a Bill defence - "I didn't inhale..."). Get caught and you're busted. Live with it, men.

Which leaves the fundamental male question for infidelity. It's a bit like the age old philosophical debate about the soundlessness of a tree falling in the forest when there is no-one there to hear it.

• Is it infidelity, if your partner never finds out about it?

Enjoy...