And a Merry fucking Christmas to you too...

I hope that you, dear reader, had a great Christmas and a fabulous New Year.

I had a perfectly hideous Christmas.

Don’t get me wrong, I am no Scrooge – all “Bah, humbug” about the season of goodwill. I love spending time with my children, seeing their eyes light up as they open each present. I love the good food, the excellent wine. I love the smell of candles and incense that fills the house. I love the rooms covered in holly and fir, decorations glistening. I love the cold, walking the dogs and coming back to a log fire. I don’t even mind the long nights, as the warm glow of the lights in the house is so welcoming.

So what was the problem? In a word - relatives.

Salvatori Towers seemed to be functioning as a five star hotel for my in-laws. Now, they are nice enough people: you won’t find me cracking mother-in-law jokes*. My father-in-law in particular is a jovial old soul with a lovely dry wit. My sister-in-law is harder work, as are her four children and husband. And my mother. Well, she’s the worst of the lot.

So that’s 14 people.

For a week.

A. Whole. Fucking. Week.

Three meals a day. Dishwasher going 6 or 7 times a day. Drinking their way through my cellar (“Mmmm. The Pichon Longueville was delicious but I noticed some Sauternes in your chiller, shall I open that for pudding?”). Go ahead... I drank my way though the experience.

There is a Danish saying that “Fresh fish and houseguests should be thrown out after three days.” Very, very true…

And I got off lightly. Last year they stayed for two weeks.

I’ve told them that they’ll have to amuse themselves next year as we’re going to Barbados. Even though we’re not…

Enjoy…

* This is a lie.

Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My mother-in-law is an angel."
His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

What do you do if you miss your mother-in-law?
Reload and try again

A guy brings his dog into the vet's surgery and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?"
The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong with it! Why would you want this done?"
The man replies, "My mother-in-law is coming to visit and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"

(c) Bob Monkhouse c.1751 (mayherestinpeace)