New Year Resolutions...

A belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all my readers. If you don't believe in Christmas then I hope that you had a good holiday. If you object to the mention of Christmas, then feel free to bog off and never return... (Sorry, I'm with badbaby on this - what is all this "Happy Holidays" shit? Far too PC for me...)

It seems to be traditional for Bloggers to set themselves up for a big fall by setting out their resolutions for the world to see (and ridicule). Being a reactionary (and notwithstanding my tsunami post), who am I to stand in the way of tradition.

So, with due pomp and ceremony, here are mine:

1. Stay faithful to my wife
   Proving to be surprisingly difficult as Mrs S was run ragged over the Christmas period and shagging me seemed to be low on her list of priorities. I was suffering from a near terminal case of TSB (toxic sperm buildup) and even came close to having a wet dream - something that didn't even affect me as a teenager (but only because I masturbated like a rabid monkey back then...). Things have improved in the last couple of days but I will need constant attention over 2005 to stay on the straight and narrow. What a shitty thing to say (but at least it's true - I don't write to be liked: I write to get this stuff out of my head, where it's fucking me up...) !
   
2. Avoid escorts
   This is obviously a follow-on from point 1 but is not quite the same given my slightly strange views on fidelity... Should be easy but I feel a bit like Jack Nicholson, who reputedly said,
   "There is so much porn on the internet that I'm finding it hard to leave the house".
   Well, I know where they are (NWS) and it preys on my mind...
   
3. Spend more time with my kids
   Ahh, bless... Except - what the fuck is this doing down at number 3? I am a totally self-centred prick sometimes... Well, the kids do deserve some of my time, I guess. The problem is how to do it - my job requires total commitment (hence my snatched and erratic blogging). Any sign of weakness and you consign yourself to the scrapheap (hence the next resolution).
   
4. Earn enough to retire
   That's more like it - back to being self-centred again... Well, it provides a solution to number 3 but raises other issues. I think my wife would kill me / divorce me / kill herself if I were around all the time. She married me for "better or worse"; not from "9 till 5" (perhaps that's why I got no sex over Christmas?).
   
5. Keep a clean driving licence
   Stupid resolution but when you drive like I do in Aston Martins, Ferraris and Lamborghinis (well, it was a good year...), just one of my daily forays into 100mph+ motoring would see me banned. It would seriously cramp my enjoyment to have £300,000 of motorcars and not be able to drive them.
   
6. Get fit again
   I think better, work better when I am fit. However, I have no time to get fit. My wife even objects if I take the dogs for a run (on the basis that I could take the kids with me if I walk - but they are very happy watching TV, playing computer games, dismembering Barbie). I used to be as fit as a professional athlete and I miss some of that - mostly the six-pack (but not the mind-searing pain)... Does Mrs S want me to become fat and unhealthy? Perhaps she is trying to kill me...
   
7. Have fun
   Since one avenue is outlawed (point 2) then I will need a couple of outlets. Shooting may have to be one and motor-racing another (but these conflict massively with spending time with the kids, retiring, getting fit again, etc.). Who ever said that life was simple?..
   
8. Blog more
   Another conflicting aim for 2005. But this catharsis is good for me (I have no idea what it does for you, Dear Reader...). I also need to sort out my links as they are becoming a little dated (e.g. the Good Husband being, very sadly, reincarnated as Return to Happiness) but that involves editing the dreaded template...
   
9. Actually do something sensible with my money
   Financial irresponsibility (see above passim for ways to blow excessively large amounts of money in a short period of time...) has meant that despite my prodigious earnings, I can't afford to stop working (and it pisses me off). The worst thing is I never do anything sensible with the dough I have lying around - I can think of lots of things to do to earn more but when I have it, I leave it lying around...
   
10. Hold the world to ransom with my giant "laser" ## mwhah, hah, hah ##
    Well, perhaps not. But, boy are there some things I'd do differently... For instance, free trade is worth a lot more than aid - a 1% increase in Africa's share of world exports would be worth five times as much as the continent's share of aid and debt relief. Meanwhile, Europe's Common Agricultural Policy kills one person every 13 seconds in developing countries. Happy New Year from the bureaucrats...

So, in short, the goal is to emerge from 2005 happily married, with a load of money, having had fun, unlike the chap who is similarly sex obsessed.

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

Enjoy...