Staying faithful to my wife, unfaithful to my desire...
To bastardise a wonderful quote,
There is a dreadful insincerity in my fidelity - I desperately crave the variety that other women would give me.
Temptation is all around. It is not just escorts (this one particularly haunts me at the moment for some reason...) but women I meet everywhere. Two secretaries at work tried to snog me over the Christmas period (one was very drunk - in vino veritas? - the other was deadly serious in intent - talk of wanting a sugar daddy...). Three wives of friends (very attractive ladies, I might add, but nothing compared to my wife) have propositioned me (again two subtly yet clearly, the other not so delicately) whilst at Christmas drinks parties. It would have been so easy to take any of these further. A quick hotel booking, a discrete phone call. I wanted to do it too. But I resisted.
I am a sex addict and my drug of choice swirls around me... The pain of foregoing this pleasure, so tantalisingly close, is painful to the core. As Oscar Wilde says:
And yet... there is that familiarity, that comfort level, that repetition. Where is the frisson, the thrill of the chase, that glorious exploration of the new? Even doing new things with my wife lacks some of that sense of experimentation, of variety just because I know my wife so intimately (in all senses of the word)...
I will remain strong, I will remain faithful but it is so difficult. Am I alone in this struggle? I think not: I once read that 80% of men would be unfaithful to their wives if they knew for certain that they would not be found out (and the other 20% were lying...). But what about women? I think that statistic would be lower - but not much.
I hope that William Blake is wrong;
I just hope that I am the inverse of another wonderful bon mot from a Frenchman, Sacha Guitry;
"The honest man must be a perpetual renegade, the life of an honest man a perpetual infidelity. For the man who wishes to remain faithful must take himself perpetually unfaithful to all the continual, successive, indefatigable, renascent errors."
Charles Peguy, the French poet.
There is a dreadful insincerity in my fidelity - I desperately crave the variety that other women would give me.
Temptation is all around. It is not just escorts (this one particularly haunts me at the moment for some reason...) but women I meet everywhere. Two secretaries at work tried to snog me over the Christmas period (one was very drunk - in vino veritas? - the other was deadly serious in intent - talk of wanting a sugar daddy...). Three wives of friends (very attractive ladies, I might add, but nothing compared to my wife) have propositioned me (again two subtly yet clearly, the other not so delicately) whilst at Christmas drinks parties. It would have been so easy to take any of these further. A quick hotel booking, a discrete phone call. I wanted to do it too. But I resisted.
I am a sex addict and my drug of choice swirls around me... The pain of foregoing this pleasure, so tantalisingly close, is painful to the core. As Oscar Wilde says:
"Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love: it is the faithless who know love's tragedies. "Why would I stray? I have a beautiful wife. I love her. We now have a great sex life. And, as I've said before, there is nothing better than sex with the one you love.
And yet... there is that familiarity, that comfort level, that repetition. Where is the frisson, the thrill of the chase, that glorious exploration of the new? Even doing new things with my wife lacks some of that sense of experimentation, of variety just because I know my wife so intimately (in all senses of the word)...
I will remain strong, I will remain faithful but it is so difficult. Am I alone in this struggle? I think not: I once read that 80% of men would be unfaithful to their wives if they knew for certain that they would not be found out (and the other 20% were lying...). But what about women? I think that statistic would be lower - but not much.
I hope that William Blake is wrong;
"Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained."My desire is not weak and who am I to disagree with a great author but Wilde worries me too when he said;
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself."
I just hope that I am the inverse of another wonderful bon mot from a Frenchman, Sacha Guitry;
"An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't"Perhaps I can be the ideal husband, with the mystery of one who might stray... But I will be struggling every day with inner demons, because I know that I will not be protected from temptation by the surest of means - cowardice.
posted by Salvatori at 9:09 am
4 Comments:
Hey,
Just a word of encouragement from a female perspective. BE FAITHFUL - really love your wife (no pun intended). As a newly married woman, I can only imagine how heartbroken your wife would be if she found out the man she loves cheated on her. And you're absolutely right, nothing is better than sex with the person you love, and are fully committed to in marriage.
I've been told by my married male friends when I was single that they still felt temptations etc etc. But I've also heard, the trick is to not place yourself in the situation where you could be tempted... avoid it like the plague. I know hollywood glamorizes affairs (i.e. Bridge over madison county) and love, and to some degree being damn selfish. But why can't you experience the adventures with your wife.
It never ceases to amaze me how men think they totally know you... but trust me... you can still rediscover your wife. Plan something extravagant, surprising, and even beyond you for both you and your wife. Go somewhere different, and do things with wife you've never imagined (and not just the sexual stuff). You crave something different, something new - then just do it - but include the wife.
no judgement here, just some advice. I guess you're going to find a lot of crap on the internet, where men and women cheat a LOT (if you look for it). And you're going to get a lot of anonymous crap advice from people encouraging you to have affairs, and even find blogs of men and women who revel in their affair - no matter how absolutely selfish it is. But you have to wonder exactly who you are taking advice from? (yes I see the irony).
Anyways, just because the majority of people are doing it, doesn't make it right. In fact, I've always believed the majority of people are stupid, and all you have to do is look at our history of our choice in elections.
good luck to you (and to your wife - may she have married a husband that is the type of husband all women envy - someone who cherishes her and loves her, absolutely has eyes only for her).
Great advice - I fully intend to remain faithful in the future. I just struggle with the demons of temptation every day. I guess it's like being an alcoholic - you just have to deal with the pangs of desire. And I've been "on-the-wagon" for a while now.
BTW, I do try to do new things / go new places / experience new sensations with my wife but a) she's not always willing to join me in that journey and b) I already pretty much know how she'll react. the point of the post was partly that I crave variety and that is more difficult to achieve with someone that you've known half your life.
The other view is that I'm weak:
"Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself pleasure." Ambrose Bierce
;-)
it seems you understand the challenge of desire for women vs. faithfulness to wife.
and unless you remove yourself from normal society- you're going to have to learn to handle the interaction that is available and constant with maturity, conviction, and love for your wife.
my experience with infidelity became to be after the conviction and love left my life. (not an easy place to be...)
i love your humor- keep that alive and humming!
I once heard about about a man on Oprah, who said when he was faced with a midlife crisis, of either having an affair, or doing something else, he chose something else.
Because he had all this pent up energy, he funneled it into getting into shape and running a marathon. I wonder if that tactic would work for you? Not running a marathon, but taking up a new goal?
From your posts, it sounds like you made your fortune already. Perhaps you can use a bit of it as a venture captalist, or take up scuba diving, or learning to sail, or climbing a mountain, or running a marathon? For all I know, you may be doing all of this already, but I'm sure you get the drift.
I find the best, most unselfish yet gratifying thing I enjoy to do, is to live life not for yourself, but to give generously, and do things for others less fortunate than you.
I guess, whatever gets you going... passion in life (not in an affair)... something you would be proud to have read at your obituary, or something you want others to remember you by.
good luck
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