Who wants to be a millionaire?

Not me that's for sure. Why would I want to be poorer? ;-)

So, I'm bitching about not being able to retire but I have already admitted that I earn a seven figure amount each year and run cars worth six figures (NB: all in Sterling not worthless greenbacks - so devalued that, rumour has it, even Cuban hookers refuse to accept them...). Where the fuck do I get off with this. What a wanker I am.

Well, sorry to disappoint you if you thought £1 million is a ticket to the high life - helicopters to Bali, yacht to Venice. It's just enough to ensure you lose all your friends but not quite enough to buy anything worthwhile.

You get all those poor saps playing the National Lottery, fake Burberry caps on, shirts not tucked in handing over their social security checks believing that if they win a million they will buy a Ferrari, a mansion and end up shagging some chav princess like Jordan. Oh no, they won't!

For those who don't know Jordan is a “model” who has two major assets (how ridiculous do those breasts look?) and a penchant for revealing her sexual exploits with celebrities to the newspapers (a bit like a Paris Hilton with bigger tits and less class - and bear in mind that I'm talking about a woman with two sex tape scandals...).

BTW is it just me, or would Paris Hilton without her inherited wealth just be trailer trash? Reminds me of Dolly Parton's comment,
"Believe me it takes a lot of money to look this cheap!"

If a mill were enough, the skies over London would be clogged with Learjets and MacDonalds would be offering a McPanda burger. Why? There are probably half a million houses in the South East worth more than £1 million (and no, I do not own all of them). Millionaires are all around you, sitting on the bus (what's a bus?). These days, to live what we still perceive to be a “millionaire” lifestyle, you need to have a damn sight more than £1 million. £1 mill won't even begin to keep you in Prada and Gucci heaven.

In 1961, Viv Nicholson won £152,000 on the pools and became the darling of the nascent tabloid press by declaring that she was going to “spend, spend, spend”. She promptly embarked on a remarkably tasteless shopping spree. Within fifteen years, she'd blown the lot. That would be £3 million in today's money. Or, put another way, £5 million of pre-tax income (His Toniness will of course raid your hard earned cash) can be blown in 15 years with no appreciable assets to show for it at the end - in less than a quarter of our allotted “three score years and ten”. Depressing.

Let's look at the basic maths.

• £1.5 million for a small London house
• £1.5 million for a large (but not outrageous) house in the country

Er well that's £3 million gone and you haven't even started buying Ferraris...

• You'll be wanting to educate your children privately - well that's £200,000 a pop. Call it half a mill for the average 2.2 kids.
• You'll want a nanny, housekeeper and perhaps a cook. Well they are £25k a head until your kids leave home or you die - call it £1 million over 30 years.
• On top of that, you're now one of the “super rich”. You can't go for a caravan holiday in Margate. You'll want the 5 star holiday to Barbados, turning left as you get on the plane (you don't travel cattle class anymore - you're a millionaire). Now that's £50k a year (remember you'll be taking the kids and nanny, staying at Sandy Lane with all the other nouveau riche). That's a mill right there till you're to old to get your arse on a plane.

So you are out £8.5 mill and all you have to show for it is a suntan, a terraced house in London and a crumbling pile in the Cotswolds. You are too fat and have surly kids who'd rather have gone to the local comprehensive.

And you haven't even thought about buying a ski chalet in Verbier or that villa in Cap d'Antibes. They are £3 mill the pair. And the upkeep on this property - you'll need £100k a year (£2 mill earns that much in interest, if you are lucky).

Hmm £10.5 mill gone and you haven't even got the money to go grocery shopping at Tesco, let alone have larks tongues slavered in Beluga caviar fed to you by Nubian slaves...

Ok, perhaps we can economise a bit. Let's leave some of this stuff out. We'll skip the holiday homes. You'll still need £2-3 million stashed away, giving you income, to be able to hop on a flight to Prague, Paris or Papua New Guinea whenever you want and dine at the Ivy without worrying about the bill.

So call it £10 million (£16 mill pre-tax, remember...). However, that's not the end of it because now everyone expects you to pay for everything. Your old mates look the other way when the bill arrives. They don't get their rounds in. Fair enough you can afford it but it becomes wearing after a bit... So you start socialising with richer people. The rich are different - they have money. But they are all drug dealers, gun runners or worse, investment bankers. And what's mortifying is they are richer than you and you start to feel poor again (I have been at a dinner party where people have argued over which private jet is better...). These are people who would agree with Nelson "Bunker" Hunt, "If you know how much you are actually worth, it proves that you are not really rich"....

And you'll always be expected to bid for the star lot at any charity auction - I don't mind giving £10k but I really don't want David Beckham's underpants, thank you... You become a one man social security organisation for the local community.

And then your wife runs off with the gardener with half your money and you're left wondering what your old mates are doing... Probably having a great time at the local bistro drinking Aussie Shiraz and carefully splitting the bill.

So, now you see the scale of the problem facing Salvatori. Those chavs playing the lottery just don't understand... But anyone who says that money can't buy you happiness doesn't know where to shop...

Lastly, I just want to remind you of the value of hard work as summed up by Homer Simpson:

"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it.
Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers... "

Enjoy....