Madness: an inherited disease - you get it from your kids...

"You need a licence to buy a dog or drive a car. Hell, they even make you have a licence to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a parent..."
Keanu Reeves as Tod Hawkes (Parenthood, 1989)

Well, we know that I enjoy reaming butts and that I'm an arsehole. Am I a shitty father to Frogmella, Dopey and Tantrum (my three)?

Parenthood isn't easy and there are numerous blogs that attest to this. My wife is great at doing this stuff - she knows how to engage them, how to distract them, how to develop them. Me, I just bumble along, doing whatever seems right. I am getting better. As they get older, I think I relate to them more.

I love them with all my heart - they complete me. As worried about divorce, it was the impact on these three souls that really concerned me - everything else would have been irrelevant.

They certainly seem to love me too - I love the way that when I get home, they rush to be the first to embrace me (only the dogs are keener...). Unconditional love - it's better than sex (and for me to say that is quite something)!

But...

Frogmella is now a teenager, all spots, raging hormones and "Kevinesque" harrumpfs. When the first boyfriend comes along I really don't know what I'll do - it'll either be break into the vintage port (for me) or break out the shotgun (for the worthless piece of shit that turns up on my doorstep, hoping to get lucky with my daughter). Spending a few years in a drunken stupor or a high security jail seems eminently preferable to suffering teenage insecuity, especially second hand... Luckily, Frogmella is as yet uninterested in boys or her appearance (the grungier the better, as far as she is concerned at the moment).

Dopey is interested in PS2 and video games. He is so laid back that he is beyond horizontal. The concept that trying at school might be useful (or even listening - hey, just listening would be good: perhaps some form of osmosis might happen...) seems totally alien to him. No amount of encouragement seems to work. Bribery has some effect but I don't think this is what parenting is about. I'm thinking about corporal punishment next and capital punishment as a last resort...

Tantrum is just scary. She has her mother's determination coupled to my pig-headedness. She is the living incarnation of that old adage that the only difference between a terrorist and a toddler is that you can negotiate with a terrorist... If she has brains (and there are signs that she is very bright) the world better watch out 'cos it'll be her holding it to ransom with the giant "laser"...

Until then, enjoy...