And a Merry fucking Christmas to you too...

I hope that you, dear reader, had a great Christmas and a fabulous New Year.

I had a perfectly hideous Christmas.

Don’t get me wrong, I am no Scrooge – all “Bah, humbug” about the season of goodwill. I love spending time with my children, seeing their eyes light up as they open each present. I love the good food, the excellent wine. I love the smell of candles and incense that fills the house. I love the rooms covered in holly and fir, decorations glistening. I love the cold, walking the dogs and coming back to a log fire. I don’t even mind the long nights, as the warm glow of the lights in the house is so welcoming.

So what was the problem? In a word - relatives.

Salvatori Towers seemed to be functioning as a five star hotel for my in-laws. Now, they are nice enough people: you won’t find me cracking mother-in-law jokes*. My father-in-law in particular is a jovial old soul with a lovely dry wit. My sister-in-law is harder work, as are her four children and husband. And my mother. Well, she’s the worst of the lot.

So that’s 14 people.

For a week.

A. Whole. Fucking. Week.

Three meals a day. Dishwasher going 6 or 7 times a day. Drinking their way through my cellar (“Mmmm. The Pichon Longueville was delicious but I noticed some Sauternes in your chiller, shall I open that for pudding?”). Go ahead... I drank my way though the experience.

There is a Danish saying that “Fresh fish and houseguests should be thrown out after three days.” Very, very true…

And I got off lightly. Last year they stayed for two weeks.

I’ve told them that they’ll have to amuse themselves next year as we’re going to Barbados. Even though we’re not…

Enjoy…

* This is a lie.

Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My mother-in-law is an angel."
His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

What do you do if you miss your mother-in-law?
Reload and try again

A guy brings his dog into the vet's surgery and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?"
The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong with it! Why would you want this done?"
The man replies, "My mother-in-law is coming to visit and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"

(c) Bob Monkhouse c.1751 (mayherestinpeace)

Kerry Packer RIP...

Australia's richest man, Kerry Packer has died aged 68. I met him a couple of times - I did a fair amount of business in Australia with him and the other "robber barons" of the Outback, Robert Holmes à Court and Alan Bond. They were colourful characters, to say the least. Robert was by far the "nicest" (though it is a relative term), though I was to have an unwitting part in his downfall during the 87 crash when his over-leveraged business failed. He never recovered and died suddenly just three years later, aged 53. Alan then contributed to some major changes in my life by going spectacularly bust at the expense of many of my (then) clients. Kerry was the most stable financially, despite his gambling addiction.

He was a "high roller" of the first order. His gambling was legendary and he was known to lose huge sums in a night at the tables (and to win big too). He was volatile and overturned blackjack tables were not uncommon. However, my favorite story was of him gambling alone at a high-stakes table in a casino. In walked a Texan, resplendent in ten gallon hat and boot-lace tie, a blond on each arm. Seeing another high-roller playing, he demanded that he be allowed to join. The croupier apologised profusely but said Mr Packer usually played alone. However, he asked Kerry if he'd mind if the Texan joined him. Kerry looked the Texan up and down and said "Nah, I'm playing alone."

The Texan, slighted in front of his lady friends, drew himself up to his full height and said, "Do you know who I am?! I am worth $100million and I demand to play on this table."

Kerry eyed him cooly and said "$100million? I'll toss you for it."

Enjoy...

Yule blog...

Merry Christmas to one and all (who want it*). I probably won't have time to post between now and the New Year, as I will be busy.

I personally will be spending much of my Christmas burning all those fricking "round robin" letters that people put into the Christmas cards they send. They go on and on (and on and on) about how perfect and talented their own kids are and how perfect and complete their lives are.

Wankers.

The little time I have left over - there are thousands of them - I will be spending either playing with my kids, fucking my wife, or sinking slowly into an alcoholic haze... Perfect.

Enjoy...

*Please accept with no obligation, either implied, or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday (summer solstice in the Southern Hemisphere), practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion, or the secular practices, of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of of others, or their choice not to practice religious, or secular, traditions at all.

I also wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures, whose contributions to society have made the United Kingdom great (not to imply that the United Kingdom is necessarily greater than another country), and without regard to race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preferences of the wishees, and those of whom this salutation is addressed.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

• This greeting is subject to clarification, or withdrawal.
• It is freely transferable to a third party, but without any alteration to the original greeting.
• It implies no promise by the wishers to actually implement any of these wishes for her/himself, or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishers.
• This wish is warranted as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one calendar year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday period greeting, whichever shall occur first, and warranty, either implicit or implied, is limited to replacement of this wish, or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishers.

Moral dilemma II...

If you answered that you would have:

• Tossed the keys for the Lambo to your mate;
• Told him to drive the old lady to the hospital; and
• Waited with the girl for a bus or a taxi to see if she really is your perfect partner...

then you are not only a lateral thinker but also a saint (or you've seen this before). Congratulations! (Well done to Anon...)

If you answered that you would have:

• Run over the old lady to put her out of her misery
• Fucked the girl vigorously over the bonnet of the car; and
• Taken your mate in the car for a beer to discuss whether she was a good shag or not...

then you are a bloke...

Enjoy...

Moral dilemma...

Let me pose you a question.

You are driving home on a dark, cold night in your Lamborghini Gallardo. The wind is howling and windchill is making the temperature gauge's -5degC seem generous. It is not a night to be caught outside. The heated seats and climate control mean that you are comfortable and the four wheel drive means the icy conditions are not unsafe. Joss Stone's husky voice seranades you gently as you work your way through the frozen city.

Then you slow for a junction. Picked out in your lights and huddled into their light coats against the bitter cold are three people.

1. An old lady who looks like she is on death's door. She won't last for long out there.
2. Your oldest friend who once saved your life. He looks like he is turning blue.
3. The beautiful girl you met at a party last week. You fell hopelessly in love with her but she had to leave before you got her number. She's already shivering.

They are waiting for a bus - one that might not come for hours on a night like this.

You suddenly look at the one pitiful passenger seat in your car...

What should you do?

These are, I'm sure the options running through your mind:

• Save the life of the old lady - a wonderfully altrusitic act;
• Pick up your friend - a wonderful opportunity to repay him a blood debt that you have owned for many years; and
• If you abandon this girl now, you will lose her, your perfect soulmate and perhaps your one chance for happiness, forever.

Not easy is it?... But that's why it's called a dilemma...

Enjoy...

Fire and Ice IV...

Fire and Ice: Part I
Fire and Ice: Part II
Fire and Ice: Part III

I lay on my back as Victoria straddled me, taking me deep inside. She shivered in pleasure as she slid down. I pulled April until she straddled my shoulders. She leant forward to lick and nip Victoria's firm breasts.

I lapped at April's pussy like a thirsty dog. I teased my teeth gently over the folds and sucked gently. My tongue darted around the tangy pucker of her anus. My wetted thumb probed inside her, as my tongue fluttered at the entrance to her desire. She rolled her hips approvingly as she kissed Victoria.

Ahh, Victoria... My attention had been on pleasuring April but Victoria was now moving like a woman possessed. My mind became accutely aware of her desire - her hips were riding up and down ruthlessly, as she sought release. She ground her pubic bone against mine and shivered in contentment.

We turned and I made April, still partially clothed, drape herself attractively on the bed. I pushed gently into the warm depths, pulling her thighs to me. Victoria straddled her shoulders and allowed April to lap at her sex once more.

We each moved closer to the edge of our own gratification.

Tongues, cocks, pussies, fingers: all working for their own enjoyment, for the pleasure of others.

Unbelievable.
Faster.
Unrelenting.
Firmer.

Urgent.

Deeper.

As Victoria and I kissed, we completed our triangular tryst - a circle of climaxes, rolling onwards, higher, deeper as it reverberated around the three interlocked souls.

Enjoy...

Fire and Ice III...

Fire and Ice: Part I
Fire and Ice: Part II

I opened the champagne and poured three glasses, watching a blond goddess bringing her Sapphic lover to orgasm.

“Your turn, April,” I said, pulling her firmly to me. I folded her in my arms and my hands roamed freely over her toned body. Her pencil skirt was slashed up the back and my hand found its way up above her stocking tops to her thighs and pert bottom. As I reached down her thighs parted and I followed the lacy thong to my goal. Curling my fingers underneath the flimsy fabric, I found that she was deliciously sensitive. I played delicately with my digit - teasing, circling. Her legs almost buckled with pleasure. I picked her up and carried her to the bed. Pushing her skirt up, I devoured her moistness until she whimpered quietly. Victoria, now gloriously naked, laid on the bed kissing her. We pulled open April's black silk blouse to reveal small, pert breasts. Victoria's sucking and nibbling on her erect, sensitive nipples pushed April's mind and body over the edge. She convulsed with an orgasm that was a wonder to behold - body rigid, flushing furiously at the neck and breasts, before relaxing into bliss.

“Did you like that?” asked Victoria, kissing April.

“Oh yes, V.” she replied.

“Tell him what you want to do next”

“But...” April blushed, rather charmingly I thought.

“You will have to say it.” commanded Victoria.

“Do I have to?” She bit her lip.

Victoria curled her hand lovingly in April's hair and pulled her head closer. “You know you do,” she purred aggressively - like a cat playing with a mouse.

April struggled to hold my gaze. “I want to suck your cock.”

I looked at her soft, luscious mouth and stroked her pretty, bee-stung lips. “Tell me, angel, what is it that you like about sucking cock?” I asked, as I straddled her on the bed.

“It is the taste... the hardness in my mouth...” she whispered softly, eyes down-turned.

My erect member waved in front of her.

“And what about my come pulsing into your mouth? Do you like that?”

“Yes,” she said quietly, flushing red. Pinned to the bed, she eyed my manhood hungrily but waiting for my assent.

“Do you want to suck this now?”

“Please...” She tried to take the tip in her mouth.

“Not yet, my angel,” I said and pulled Victoria to me. “V will suck me first while you watch.”

Victoria's lips enfolded me once more, working and pumping. April's eyes watched as her partner performed her magic. She was so close that she could see every detail: the veins, the colour, watch Victoria's lips sliding seductively along the object of her desire. But she could not touch, pinioned below me. Her frustration was tangible but her body spoke only of arousal. I waited until her hands sought out her own erogenous zones.

“Now, you can suck me,” I said. Victoria lifted April's head and pushed her soft lips over my cock. I leant forward and let the sensations roll over me. The soft, slick wetness of April's mouth. The heat and suction as she tried to bring me to orgasm, to taste my sperm. The pressure from Victoria's hand, milking me into her friend's mouth. Victoria's tongue kissing me deeply.

“I want your sperm first,” Victoria whispered in my ear, nibbling on the lobe.

“You can have it, my dear, but you have to share it with April.”

April almost cried when I pulled out of her mouth and lay on the bed. Victoria moved to take me in her mouth once more. “Suck her pussy, slut” I instructed. April got behind the kneeling Victoria and did as she was asked.

Victoria's head bobbed up and down, the speed increasing, her hand pumping - there was no way I could resist. Warm saliva ran down my thighs as she worked lovingly. I wrapped my fingers into her hair. I pulled her down... Hard, insistent, delicious... Rushing up... FUCK!

And then, I could slide back from the blackness of my own gratification to focus...

April had joined Victoria on the bed. They kissed each other until the evidence of my pleasure was gone. All the while, my hands were stroking their bodies: neck, back, thighs, breasts, stomach, pussies. Ahh, their pussies: soft, slippery, succulent. I was tumescing once more.

“Now, the fun can really begin.” I said.

To be continued...

Fire and Ice II...

Fire and Ice: Part I

We retire to my suite. Introductions completed - the blonde is April and the brunette's name is Victoria - I ordered some Krug.

I put down the 'phone, smiling at my good fortune. My mood improved yet more when I turned around to see Victoria kissing April deeply, her hand slipping under the hem of April's skirt and caressing her slim, stockinged thigh. April cupped Victoria's face tenderly. This was not for my benefit but their own.

It seemed rude to interupt, so I drank in the scene - two beautiful women lost in their own pleasure. I moved closer and they parted briefly - the leaves of a Venus flytrap enticing in their prey with honey, enveloping it gently but firmly. We took turns to kiss, our tongues jousting.

Victoria kissed me hard, darwing me close, biting my lips. April was soft and gentle - but their differences disguise the fact that, like fire and ice, they both burn. They undressed me, releasing my cock to their ministrations first hands and then Victoria's ruby lips.

The doorbell rang and I grabbed a robe - it was the champagne and strawberries. The waiter's eyes bulged as he wheeled his trolley into the sitting room. There were the girls sprawled on the sofa, kissing furiously and oblivious to the interloper in our midst. I pushed him gently back to the door - his gaze was locked onto the sofa, even when I pressed a $50 note into his palm.

"Have a good evening, sir."

"Don't worry, I will." I slammed and bolted the door behind him.

I turned to see Victoria laying on the sofa, her sleek blue dress pushed up over her hips and April with her blond hair buried between her stockinged thighs. Whilst April concentrated on her musky target, Victoria said huskily, "Why don't you join us?"

To be continued...