Bored at work... Danger!

When I get bored at work, my thoughts turn to sex. When my thoughts turn to sex and there is no gratification in sight (my wife won't want sex this evening - she is dog tired), then I start thinking about phoning an agency. I won't, but it is sooooo tempting. I'm lucky in that I'd prefer to make love to my wife than fuck an 25 year old model-like beauty (damn I must stop writing that or I'll talk myself into it). There are things that I haven't experienced yet and I'd like to try them before I die - stuff my wife is unlikely to want to be part of... STOP WRITING NOW!

I read Married Sex Addict's fight with addiction and I know that I'm not far off being where he is now. But it must be a tough battle - sexual stimulus is all around you, all the time. You can't close yourself away from it like you can with alcohol or drugs (by avoiding pubs/clubs/associates) because temptation passes you on the street. Even worse, you cannot stop using your "drug" - you still need to expose yourself to your addiction with you partner (i.e. you can't go "on-the-wagon" in the conventional sense). I'm resisting and I hope he can too.

On a less serious note, this amused me:

A mounted policeman was on his horse waiting to cross the street on Boxing Day when a little girl named Mary stopped beside him on her new shiny bike.

"Nice bike" the copper said, "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes sir," the little girl said, "he did!"

The policeman looked the bike over and handed the girl a £20 ticket for a safety infringement, saying "Next year tell Father Christmas to put a light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the copper and said, "Nice horse you've got , did Santa bring it to you too?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the copper.

The little girl looked up at the policeman and said, "Well, next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

Good vibrations... Not!

Well, the vibrator went down like a fart in a spacesuit, chez Salvatori.

I thought surprise would be the best tactic.

I bought a suitably non-threatening, non-phallic (as in smooth, silver and bullet shaped rather than scarily-veined and "be-glansed") vibrator.

I waited for an opportune moment - it was a special anniversary, the wife was drunk, she was horny, she was being fucked...

I produced the vibrator and tried it out. She was obviously reluctant but unwilling to say no (the moment was indeed carefully chosen). After the minimum period that would have seemed rude, she very soberly said, "Well, I don't know what it's supposed to do but it does nothing for me."

Salvatori's pride (and erection) deflated swiftly. Thankfully, my wife seemed to know that my libido had taken a battering and swift action with her mouth and hands at least brought some life back to my cock. To make it all better, she then very sweetly offered her arse to be fucked.

Life could be worse!

We don't talk anymore...II

So I was starting to think I was getting somewhere in my thoughts on cunnilingus but DTG goes and casts doubt on parts my theory with this post... For her, if I may paraphrase (in reverse order), female reluctance in this area possibly stems from three issues:

1. any lady gives up control in that situation (and therefore needs to be submisive to enjoy);
2. she is giving herself up to pleasure (which she has been conditioned to see as inappropriate); and
3. she is concerned about feminine hygiene.

I totally see where DTG is coming from on two and three - and I think elements of this do affect my wife's attitude. The first reason is totally individual - whether you are coming at it from the Bliatz angle (submissive = needs rougher stuff) or the DTG one (there is an act of submission in receiving oral). DTG's view is also supported by Laurel. So I guess that I just have to decide what it is in my wife's case.

That reminds me of the old joke:

A man is walking along a beach in Carolina and comes across an old oil lamp. He rubs it to see if it'll polish up and inevitably a genie emerges. The genie offers the man one wish.

"OK," he says. "I am terrified of flying and of boats but I really want to see Europe. Can you build a bridge acroos the Atlantic, so I can go anytime I want?"

The genie replies, "Are you fucking mad? Have you any idea of the tons of steel and concrete? The engineering challenges? You'll have to change your wish."

"Well," the man says, "I guess then that I really want to understand women - why they cry, why they fall in love, what amuses them, what they want. I want to understand their silences, know what those little looks they give me really mean."

The genie thinks about it and says, "How many traffic lanes do you want on that bridge?"

Thanks once again to both Bliatz, DTG and Laurel for their comments.

We don't talk anymore...

Thank you to Bliatz and Dirty TalkingGirl for their comments on my post about cunnilingus.

If I may, I'll start with Bliatz's comments, which I repeat here. She was talking about my wife's unwillingness and my confusion over that part of our sex life.

Get her drunk and ask her.

If she doesn't drink ... ask her whenever seems appropriate. Maybe she's too sensitive in some particular places (too much stimulation can be very, very unpleasant), or perhaps she's covertly submissive (as I was until I gathered the nerve to exit that closet) and just needs the rougher stuff these days?

Do you talk about these things??

Hmm... Well, communication isn't a strong point in the Salvatori marriage. That sounds awful, so I need to explain...

Firstly I have to admit that we are both shy individuals - strange in that we both have high profile, public facing professional roles. I have often wondered about this but we both definitely put on "work faces". I know that after being outgoing and gregarious all day at work, I want to retreat into my own little world when I am at home. My wife seems to be the same. We don't enjoy talking about difficult stuff. We never row - we sulk.

Secondly, I have tried to talk to her - a bold step for me. She will only say, "I don't like it." When I question why, she answers "I just don't." Case closed, end of story, please move on. So I'm firmly back in issue one.

I did wonder if it was a submissive thing. I have pondered whether the obeisance aspect of cunnilingus (i.e. me giving selflessly to her pleasure in an act which, if reversed - her sucking my cock - placed her in subspace) was part of her reluctance.

Indeed, there was one time when she went a bit beserk with cunnilingus. We were in the middle of a fairly intense session and I had arranged her on her back, head hanging over the end of the bed. I was standing fucking her mouth (actually, thinking about this, I want to do that again;-)). I initially stuck two fingers into her pussy and then bent forward to lick her labia and clitoris. She went mad, bucking her hips and grinding her pussy into my face (but I guess that it could have been to get me to stop - she couldn't really vocalise at that point...). The point is, I thought that my phyically dominant position at that moment may have "let" her release herself.

I had personally decided the too much stimulation was not the case - she seems to like grinding against me and likes having her nipples pinched, pulled and sucked hard. As an aside it is amazing the variation in nipple sensitivity in women - I have gently sucked some nips and had to scrape their owner from the ceiling and other girls really need harsher handling...

Tickled pink...

A bit busy today, so for those of you with time to spare, marvel at a wonder that would have intrigued Barnes Wallis himself - the bouncing bum. Seems to satisfy the inner child in me... (Warning - not work safe...)

Also a joke that seems to sum up my life - permanently trying to pick up bricks that I've dropped (or my partners at work have dropped).

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asks to buy half a head of lettuce. The young lad working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the lad ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the lad said to his manager, "Some wanker wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that
situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Essex, sir," the lad replied.
"Well, why did you leave Essex," the manager asked.
The lad said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there."
"Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex."
The boy replied, "No shit! Who does she play for?"

Don't let her son go down on you...

Bad news. My wife is definitely slowing down.

She has ever so slowly become more and more reluctant to receive oral sex.

"Lucky you," I can hear a bunch of men saying out there. This particular male reaction, I've never understood - and I am male (at least the last time I looked and until the wife finds out about this blog...).

Sex - and particularly making love (yes, they are different) - is, for me, about giving pleasure not just receiving. I like performing cunnilingus: I like the taste; the feel; the smell; all the sensations (even the hairs tickling my nose) but most of all I love the reactions. Every magazine (men's or women's) I read tells me this is a way to a girl's heart and her orgasms. So why won't she let me do it? I have done it with many escorts and been complimented - and I realise that they will flatter me but the comments seemed genuine ("we are going to have fun tonight..." said one girl, after one prolonged orgasm from my efforts at "dining at the 'Y'"; "where did you learn to do that?" was another).

So Salvatori is stumped. I seem to have acceptable technique and want to do it. The wife should want to receive it but doesn't want to let my lips descend below her belly button. Other forms of sexual intercourse are all firmly on the agenda - vaginal, blow jobs, mutual masturbation, even anal is willingly given.

She does get very turned on from even light petting and when I stick my cock in her mouth, she turns very wet indeed. Perhaps she thinks it a bit dirty (but then lets me stick my cock up her arse...)? Well, perhaps I'll have to try other forms of stimulation:

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

Any theories?

An amoxicillin a day keeps the doctor away...

When you left me, I was pondering divorce and the surprisingly wise words of Rod Stewart were ringing in my ears:

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

Well, the clap seems to have cleared up with some antibiotics that would have floored a social disease in a large rhino (no, I've not been fucking rhino's...) and Salvatori is back in business. Moreover, the wife is willing to let me make "the beast with two backs" with her again with gay abandon. She swallowed her antibiotics as greedily as she's been swallowing other stuff recently. We just went away for the weekend to a glorious five star hotel (sans enfants) and fucked each others brains out. Which was nice....

So, unless of course she is just lulling me into a false sense of security for the testicles vs. rusty knife featurette, I appear to have got away with it scot free.

I always was a jammy bastard...

Too much information....

On re-reading that last post, it is a bit high on the "yuck" factor... Well, no apologies - I set out to write a warts and all account of my life and if those warts happen to be genital ("eeewwww"), then so be it.

I think anyone who is unfaithful to their wife should be aware of the consequences of bringing a social disease into their family - and it doesn't just happen if you sleep with escorts.

My wife has been totally amazing - no questions about where this came from - suggesting one of three things:

1. She knows that I have played away and doesn't care or is prepared to forgive me for the sake of the marriage.
2. She knows that she caught it during some extracurricular sex and is therefore keeping a low profile.
3. She is merely waiting for the right opportunity to cut my balls off with a rusty knife....

I guess that I'd better sleep with one eye open until I know.

Now, without wishing to get involved in the US political debate I thought this joke was excellent at puncturing the pomposity of politicians - a group I hate. My view is a little like the Groucho Marx comment that he wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have him as a member" - I think any politician prepared to do what it takes to get elected is totally unsuitable for high office (absolute power corrupts rather well...)

President Bush was visiting a primary school.

One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
"tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy." "No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff,
killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not." explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent.

No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here
who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't
be an accident either."

Enjoy....

I go all GUI when I think of you...

My biggest fear when "punting" was being discovered. Now, I knew that was unlikely to happen in terms of my wife walking in on me in flagrante delicto, or by us bumping into one of my paramours whilst out shopping/clubbing/dining (London is too big for that...). Nor was I worried that she'd find other signs - discarded underwear, lipstick on my collar - I was much too careful.

No, the real terror was an embarrassing infection...

So, I was a bit worried recently when I started to have an itchy dick... A quick trip to the clinic ensued and after some very uncomfotable procedures, I was told I was fine, just a bit of thrush. No other symptoms so I went on my way. But then I made the the call to check on the other tests. Gulp. NSU.

A difficult conversation with the wife has followed. She seems pretty cool at the moment (NSU can have hung around for years being assymptomatic in both of us - and I was a bit of a lad before we met).

As an aside, why do they keep changing the term?... When I was a lad, one talked of VD (venereal disease). When I was older it was STDs (sexually transmitted disease). Now, apparently one says GUI (genito-urinary infection). I guess the professionals have to change the euphemism every few years to stay ahead of the stigma...

Well that's irony for you - I start to be faithful, I get thrush from my wife and have to admit I caught a social disease in the process.

So, wish me luck. Perhaps divorce beckons...

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams