Honesty pays?
Virgin Slut asked me some time ago how it felt to keep secrets from my wife, the woman I love.
As you know, dear reader, I fucked my way around the globe in an orgy of debauched and depraved whoring - I'm not proud of it but I can't say I didn't enjoy myself. So, how do I feel about deceiving my nearest and dearest about that period in my life?
Well, not good, in short. But also it has been way easier than I ever thought.
Before you assess that statement and (rightly) judge me to be a souless pig, you should hear my side of the story. There are several strands to this:
Lying
The first thing to make clear is that I have never really lied to my wife. “Whoa there...” I hear you shout. But it's true. My wife has never asked the right (or wrong) question. My alibis were cast iron - there always was a “business trip” or a “client dinner”. I just didn't come home and give her the full truth “dinner was lovely and, by the way, I played 'hide the sausage' with a Russian hooker afterwards”. I am happy I never had to lie, as it is good on two levels. One is obviously that I don't ever want to lie to my wife. Two is that I am a terrible liar: I stutter; I blush. I get the details wrong.
Now, you may wonder how I can have carved a successful career in investment banking - a veritable pit of vipers and shysters - whilst being pathologically unable to be “economical with the actualité”. Well it's simple. Lying I'm not good at. Spinning a wonderful and totally plausible yarn based on a partial and selective truth? That is my real skill (and gets you further in IB than lying will in a million years...).
Damage
If I were ever tempted to confess my past sins to my wife, there is the sure knowledge that it would cause catastophic and painful damage to the ones I love most - my testicles... Seriously though, one just needs to look at the heartbreak caused to a wronged partner by infidelity (see this post by the Odd Wife) or consider the traumatic effects of divorce on children to know that you don't want to go there. I could not do that to my wife, my children - the people I love more than life itself. Why didn't that stop me or make me think twice before unzipping my fly? The the pent-up frustration of enforced celibacy coupled with the red-mist of lust is the only answer I have. Not pretty but it is what it is... So, I genuinely think it is kinder to Mrs S (and not forgetting me and my testicles) for her not to know. The truth goes to the grave with me.
Knowledge
The next element of my seemingly sanguine attitude to the deception that was my life is that I think my wife knew. By that I don't mean that she caught me but rather she is smart - way smarter than me. She also has known me longer than I care to admit. If she couldn't work out that something was going on then she is not the woman I married. So how come I am still here, marriage (and testicles) intact? Well, I think she didn't want to know - the reality of certainty, the consequences of proof, were too terrible to contemplate. She had reasons to question me and never did. She didn't - doesn't - want to know. It wasn't tacit acceptance of the situation - when she realised that I still loved her, I was still attracted to her but all that was missing in the relationship was (hot, spicy, perverted) sex, she set about changing that. Oh boy, did she change that...
Confessional
Lastly, I do have a conscience. It does gnaw away at me to have a secret. I do feel the need to confess my guilt but I surpress it hard in any context that would reveal the truth. That is why I am here - blathering away in cyberspace. It is as though by me anonymously telling you, someone I don't know, what I have done, it lessens the burden. Unlike a religious confessional, I am not looking to be absolved of my sins - I just want to see it set out: the twisted logic, the depths of depravity, the road to personal redemption. I do not seek your forgiveness. I do not even need your understanding (though that is comforting on the occassions it is given). I just need to have the information out there. By being out there, it is as though it will not destroy me from within. This blog is my catharsis...
posted by Salvatori at 9:07 am
11 Comments:
I was interested in knowing how you felt because I find forgiveness to be so complex, and I always wonder how people live with lies. It must be difficult to live with a lie, or as you put it, not spilling out the truth. I think even if your wife knew about it, and even if she forgave you, who would still have to forgive yourself. It sounds that you have and you have moved on, which must help your relationship.
For me self-forgiveness is critical and I have found that I am almost incapable of it. Even when others have forgiven me, I haven’t forgiven myself. I think it is what prevents me from doing a lot of things becasue I hate feeling so shite afterwards, and it is definitely something I need to work on.
Also, I find it nearly impossible to forgive others, so I guess in my case honesty does not pay.
during the reading of your blog i became quite convinced that your wife knew; maybe not the whole truth, but enough. And I think she made a brave desicion - changing the marriage before it fell apart.
I think it's good you've found a way to deal with the guilt...to an extent.. it means that the both of you wanting to change the marriage to stay with each other wasnt in vain...okay, im starting to ramble.. time to stop!
xxxxxxxxxxx
A spot-on, candid description of IB's...but hey, sometimes they help this world spin. Nuthin' happens until someone sells something...
Interesting. I have heard that before, that some would rather not know. I have so many friends that say: if I found out he cheated, I'd leave. I guess it gets more complicated then that at times.
I'm glad that this helps you though. I find writing to strangers helps me get through stuff too. Good outlet.
K
I agree with your decision NOT to tell your wife. What good would come of it? Hearing the truth about what she may have suspected would probably hurt her terribly. The only benefit would be catharsis to you, and that's why you have your blog!
Lying- You're a dirty deceiving liar. No question about it. You lie by omission not commission but you still lie.
Damage- You have honor here. The secret eating at you is the penance for your sins.
Knowledge- Along with your incredible financial luck, you're damn lucky here too. Bastard! Make sure that she is never confronted with the facts from before but make sure that she 100% knows that she is the only one for you from this day forward.
Confessional- I'm sure you don't deserve the release that confession gives you, but thank you very much for the entertainment. Just be 100% sure that she will never, ever run across your blog.
Now then...
How about another story?
Jay
VS
Self forgiveness is rarely an issue for me - I'm way too self centered to feel that much guilt...
EWinmL
I'm glad that she made that decision - reaffirms my choice in life partner.
Bent
Without bankers we'd still be in the dark ages - risk capital makes the economy tick. doesn't make us nice people tho'
Ak
I think in some ways it is a tougher route to ignore it and try to work through the issues than confront it head on. I hate to think of what it did to her but I can never ask...
TnS
I agree (and well put). I am mystified by the husbands that confess. Their motives IMHO are purely their own peace of mind and not their partner's. If they were that selfless, they'd have not strayed in the first place...
Jay
You are right, you can (and I did) lie by ommission. But in my twisted logic that is easier to live with.
And you're right. I haven't written about sex for a while (though, to be honest, I hadn't noticed). Been having a short "dry spell", not helped by illness, business trips, menstruation, overwork, etc. I think I'll do something about that over the weekend...
[de-lurking]
Yes, I think honesty pays. Just be careful what you wish for, you might end up paying for your honesty.
Before we were even married, I stumbled upon this quote:
'Women forget easily but they never forgive. Men forgive easily but they never forget.'
That confirmed my own experiences so far and my wife thought it was accurate, too.
So we have lived by it for better or worse. Verdict's still out, though.
-w.
Btw, investment bankers are just ordinary salesmen. It's the big wheel they're spinning and the sometimes exotic concepts that seem to make them special. But they are fun to deal with, most of the time. I should know, I might be one of your clients ;-)
Thank you, Tucker Max, for sharing your highly profound insights with the rest of us.
I'm fairly sure that's a fake Tucker Max-wannabe...the real Tucker, while still a self-proclaimed asshole (though HILARIOUS), is at www.tuckermax.com - not on Blogger. Don't hate the poster, hate the poser.
TM,
You sound so charming, I doubt my wife could resist...
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