Mommie Dearest....

Hmm. Hands up whose mothers send them rude emails and sexually explicit texts?

Not many, I see...

Well my mother is pretty unusual. I guess she has to share in the blame for how fucked up I am - though I take the main responsibility...

She emigrated here as a child from Southern Europe. She has emerged as, if I may borrow an unfair stereotype from a different religious group, a typical "Jewish Momma" - i.e. a highly controlling type who will use any and all means (but above all guilt) to achieve her ends.

To her neverending shame, she has singularly failed to control me or my siblings. My siblings have disowned her, barely speaking to her. I take her on my own terms, which involves principally ignoring her increasing bizarre behaviour.

She does outrageous things like smoking pot, asking my friends for drugs (not that my friends are particularly druggy - in fact quite the opposite - probably why she asks), propositioning men in bars, drinking to excess on the few occassions that she drinks, being offensively rude to relatives, being deliberately embarassing in front of friends, etc., etc.. And yes, that et cetera does mean et cetera - I can go on ad nauseam about things that you'd rather not have your mother do that mine does. Regularly. I suspect that she does it all the more to get attention (I ignore it). She has tried messing with my wedding, my marriage, my sex life, my house. I'd love to regale you with the hilarious tales of my mother's bizarre exploits but:

1. You'd never believe me (sadly they are all too true); and
2. It would serve to identify me - my mother is a legend...

She is the living embodiment of the old saying that:

The last facilty old people lose is their rudeness!

Remember, you can choose your friends but not your family!

Three's company...

One thing that I never managed to achieve in both my pre-marriage relationships and "punting" career was a threesome. Beloved of porn movies and teenage fantasies, this is a long cherished ambition of mine and one that sadly looks like it won't happen unless my wife has some another even more extreme Damascene conversion to wilder sex. So, I keep wondering if I should have one last venture into the weird world of escorts to achieve it.

It can easily be achieved: most agencies have willing girls (*not worksafe...*) and there are even male/female couples who allow you to participate. I have to admit that a MFM threesome is not my "bag", not because I object to sharing or I am not confident about my own sexuality but rather I doubt that I could perform with male audience!). I have mentioned that I am shy... Twisted Monk (the purveyor of very fine bondage rope for those of that disposition...) covers this in far more detail than I could ever do in a very insightful post on the difficulties of MFM threesomes.

So far I am resisting... I am aided in this by the advice given to me by one of the best looking blokes I ever knew, an ex-SAS officer, who was so regualrly propositioned when we were out drinking that he seldom bothered to keep the phone numbers.... Anyway, we were discussing the idea of a FFMF foursome and he dismissed it out of hand.

"Think," he said. "You need to focus for their benefit and for your own - it just doesn't work - there's too much to do. I should know; I've tried it."

Well, there isn't much of an answer to that, except the words of the great Woody Allen:

"Sex between two people is a beautiful thing; between five, it's fantastic"

If I ever weaken on my renewed fidelity, it'll be to close out this particular gap in my list of sexual experiences...

These boots are made for walking...

My wife was wearing a short suede skirt. She was also wearing some calf length suede boots with stiletto heels. A cashmere jumper hugged her breasts and accentuated her slim body. Fishnet stockings completed the ensemble.

She had been flirty all evening - brushing against me, flicking her hair, cuddling me. I'd had a miserable day at work and was like a bear with a sore head. I was trying manfully to maintain my bad mood but the blood was begining to move:

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

I was losing that battle and my wife knew it. She snuggled in next to me of the sofa and put her feet up on the coffee table - those boots just screamed "fuck me". My bad mood was not yet gone so I decided to be bratty.

"You want me to make love to you, don't you?" I asked.

"Well only if you want to," was the sweet response.

I casually reached down and unzipped my trousers and pulled my semi-tumescent cock out. "Well, first, you have to suck this."

My wife smiled and got on her knees between my feet and started sucking and licking away. She watched my eyes as she did it, smiling. I got harder and bigger, almost reaching orgasm. I turned her round and pushed her forward over the coffee table, pulling the skirt over her hips. I slipped a finger into her pussy - it was dripping wet: she came immediately. I knealed behind her and rubbed the glans gently around her labia, mingling the wet of her saliva with her juices.

She moaned, pushing back, trying to get my penis into her hungry folds. I teased for a little while but I could not resist for long. The heat of her slit felt almost burning. She came again within minutes.

The carpet was burning my knees and the log fire was burning my bum - this was a chilli pepper experience all round.

I lay on the floor and she rocked on top of me, riding me slowly but getting faster. "I want it in my mouth," she said. She sucked away voraciously. I was getting there but not quite. I flipped her onto her back on the ottoman and got a strong rhythm going. That was it... "Yes..." She moved like a cat to get my cock into her mouth as it convulsed. My come dribbled from her lips and onto those "fuck-me" boots - an appropriate end to the evening...

Good vibrations? Yes!

My wife surprises me yet again...

We were having a lovely sensuous evening - good food, good wine, good company. As I watched my wife, the desire had built in me all evening. This gorgeous creature was laughing, smiling, glancing at me, with a glint in her eye. It had inevitably ended in bed with clothes and lingerie strewn around the room.

Urgent at first, we had slowed to a more reasonable pace - we had been making love for the best part of an hour and my wife was on orgasm number four. Mrs Salvatori was still wearing a tiny black thong (something she seems to do a lot for sex - I haven't worked out if it is for me or her...) pulled to one side. She was on all fours, I was behind her - silently wondering if I'd had too much wine to be able to come.

The first surprise was that she grabbed some lube and guided my cock into her arse. Now, you all know that I enjoy this particular kink (especially with my wife). However, my wife has always made me ask for it, "What do you want to do now?" is her standard invitation. She asks that often enough (and comes hard enough during anal sex) for me to know that she is not an unwilling participant. However, she has not initiated it unbidden before.

The second surpise was that she then asked if I'd like "that thing" inside her (meaning the vibrator - she is not "potty-mouthed" in any way, shape or form). I had noticed that she had been frigging away for England during anal sex recently and that, frankly, we both enjoyed it. This, however, was a whole new ball game. "I won't turn it on though!" was her comment as she reached for it in the drawer.

Third surprise was that it had moved in the drawer. It wasn't where I'd seen it only a couple of days before... Hmm, a sneaky road test?

Fourth surprise were the moans coming from my wife during double penetration. Oh. My. God. She was going wild... Yee hah!

Fifth surprise was that she lasted all of a minute before turning the vibrator on and going ballistic. I wasn't far behind....



As an aside, DTG's ability to read her is frightening - in a comment she wrote:

But however he gave [a vibrator] to me, I would definitely want to play with it for a while all by myself before letting him use it on me.

I think that Mrs S had been discovering the possibilities of sex toys. I will have to tap DTG for advice more often...

Lucky Strike...

Another one from my mother (she seems to be overloading my email account with this stuff at the moment)

*Now then, I think I need to tell you about my mother - but that is a long story...*

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

Enjoy!

I like shooting in the butt...

Not another anal sex post but rather one about the joys of shooting. I have just spent a couple of days in a grouse butt banging away at these little blighters.

I read Puff Mud's musings on blasting away at stuff (8th Nov) and it struck a chord. There is something really primaeval about hunting with guns, I have yet to find a man who, having tried it, has not enjoyed it. I think it is hardwired into the XY chromosome.

Nevertheless, one always sounds a total shit - using a 12 bore on a defenceless fluffy creature: there is no real justification. However, I do eat what I kill and anyone who eats meat should consider that what I prefer shooting (grouse) has lived free and happy - how many battery hens that you've eaten haven't? Yes, that is a crap plea in mitigation but these things are bloody difficult to shoot (they come at you at over 60mph with the wind behind you) and their natural evasion technique of jinking (to avoid stooping peregrine falcons) means that you hit very few of them.

Worse to admit, it makes me very horny, killing stuff. No, I don't mean that I get a hard on as I pull the trigger - lock me away, if that ever is the case - but afterwards, back at the lodge. I want to get laid. Mrs Salvatori also seems to be up for it. Is there a primative reaction in the male and female? Me big hunter: you Jane? And is there something hormonal in women - reward the bringer of meat by taking his meat (ewww)? Perhaps putting food on the table promotes a mating response (but doesn't seem to work after I get back from Tescos...).

Who knows? Who cares? I just like banging away at the birds and then banging away at my bird when I get home (phnar, phnar).

So chalk up another reason why Salvatori is a bounder...



Reminds me of my favorite hunting joke:

Two guys go moose hunting up in the wilds of Canada. They get dropped into a lake by a seaplane. The pilot wishes them good hunting but warns them that he can only take one moose back, as the plane will be overloaded.

The guys bag a magnificent bull moose each - massive antlers and impressive physiques. The pilot comes to get them the next day and they start strapping both moose to the plane.

"Hold on!" he says. "I told you we can only take one."

The guys start whining and pleading. They call the guy a pussy and then tell the pilot that the previous year, the pilot let them take two moose, so why can't he? They go on and on about how the previous pilot allowed two moose.

"Ok," he said. They get in and the pilot guns the engines to the max. The plane lumbers along the lake and just makes it off the water, but it's handling like a pig. Worse, the treeline is fast approaching. BLAM - they hit the top of the trees and careen in. As the pilot crawled out of the wreckage, he heard one of the hunters ask, "Where are we?" to which the other replied, "About 100 yards further than we got last year..."

Enjoy...

Vive la difference...II

A reader emailed me this following yesterday's post...

GIRL'S DIARY
FRIDAY 21st June 2002
Saw John in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late, so I thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else.
I cried myself to sleep.

BOY'S DIARY
FRIDAY 21st June 2002
England lost to Brazil 2-1.
Got a shag though.

Thanks to Paul for that.

Vive la difference...

My mother sent me this, so don't bother flaming me....

MEN'S ENGLISH
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question...
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Does my bum look big? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so...manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good match onTV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.

Never underestimate the power of stupidity...

Not sure if this pic is for real but, as Albert Einstein said,

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

It's also worth pointing out that a common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools...

Yes, I've been arse deep in fuck-ups caused by my colleagues again. Normal service will be resumed once I have dug us from the ordure.

Spoke too soon...

So much for my wife slowing down...

I take her to the opera, put her in a 5 star London hotel for the night and she fucks my brains out. Sex on the floor, in the bath, in the lift. Missionary, doggie, cowboy and back again. Sex before dinner, sex after dinner, sex in the morning (I think the opera was only spared because we weren't in a private box - note to self: pay the extra next time...).

Where are those vitamins?

I think she was tired but also setting out some boundries: no oral sex on her, no gadgets - just my cock and her orifices. Oh well, I can live with that!


Finally, a late link on the presidential election. I make no comment about this analysis but I was amazed at the correlation. I also make no representations about its veracity, so make sure that you read the notes at the bottom of the page.

Slip sliding away...

I mentioned that my wife is slowing down on the sex front.

I remain hornier than a rabbit on Viagra but my wife has started on the old excuses of being tired or not in the mood. No shagging in front of the TV. No quickies on the dining room table. Fewer sensual moments in bed. More turning away from me when I try to kiss her.

Now, don't get me wrong. She is entitled to go at her own pace. Not everyone wants to fuck every day, two or three times a day. It's just that I do... I suppose that I could have a wank but "spanking the monkey" is far from satisfying. It scratches an itch but doesn't make it go away - I should know, I've done it enough in the past (Girl with a one track mind discusses this very well, BTW).

And worryingly, I've started again - "helping put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college". When my wife was sexually voracious, I had no interest in masturbation, pornography or escorts. So far, I've "cleaned the rifle" a few times (basically whenever I think I'll get the "not tonight" cold shoulder at home) and I've looked at a couple of "art films" when I've come home to find my wife asleep in bed.

"Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love."
Woody Allen

What worries me is that there is a scale of escalation involved and what is next on the list...

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Steve Martin